Flightplan may be the worst airplane movie ever made.
Flightplan is worse than Turbulence (Remember that one? Lauren Holly plays a stewardess who has to land a 767 while fighting off a killer. That movie sucked dog balls big time all looking like chipmunk cheeks.)
Flightplan is worse than The Concorde: Airport 79' (I remember seeing this flick when I was a little kid and thinking for the first time, 'Oh! So this is what it means when grownups say something sucks. I get it now')
And Flightplan certainly worse than Soul Plane (Ok granted I never saw Soul Plane and never will see it... unless one day I'm trapped in an elevator with some dude for hours and he's like, 'Dude, I got a portable DVD player in my napsack. Wanna watch Soul Plane?' I'd say, "No..." and he'd keep asking. And I'd keep saying 'No...' I'd play 99 bottles of beer on the wall. Before I'd watch it. I'd play, 'I'm thinking of a number 1-50'...I'd play, 'Pull my finger!...' I'd play, 'Guess what? Chickenbutt!' for hours... before I'd break down to watch Soul Plane.
Flightplan is worse than those movies. Because those movies don't pretend to be good. They pretend to be terrible and totally pull it off nicely.
When I first saw the trailer for Flightplan I thought it looked coolio. I really dig Jodie Foster and even though she's made some clunkers you get the feeling the gears are turning upstairs and she's picking her movies very specifically. Unfortunately our golden girl completely took her eye off the ball this time. In fact I think she must have been hit in the head by this friggin knuckleball too. And it made the coconut noise! She has like four years to read scripts and she declares this one the winner? This!? Lauren Holly probably passed on this script when it was first circulated around as Turbulence II: Returbulated
Why is Jodie Foster in this movie? What happened!? There obviously wasn't a script at all. If there was one it was typed by drunk monkeys. This movie was a complete random mess. You could jackknife and flip an 18 wheeler through the plotholes and not risk hitting anything. Jodie Foster! Why? What was she doing this for? I'd be less surprised to see her cheering at Chippendales than starring in this flick! (oops.)
This whole fiasco actually made me wonder if maybe Jodie has an evil twin (Penelope Pitstop Foster) that kidnapped the real Jodie Foster and the evil twin is taking on bad roles to ruin the 'good' sister. Something like that? Maybe? Jeez that sounds like a sucky movie in and of itself... but one better than this craptactular calamity hands down.
Three Good Things About this Movie
- The opening credits were kind of half-cool.
- The crescendo of terribleness actually builds smoothly.
- At least Jodie crawls around on all fours for us. Again.
Three Bad Things About this Movie
- There was no mental mystery. Zero. Only wonderment.
- Are you ready for your closeup Miss Foster? (repeat 500x)
- There was no good action. Good laughs. Or good anything.
As I watched Flightplan (uch even the title sucks now) and it kept getting worse and worse, my only hope was that if it kept going that way there was a chance it could get so friggin terrible it could cross over and become entertaining. But it wasn't even good enough to do that. Instead it just kept zooming in on Jodie's face over and over in the hopes it could blockout the smoldering doodybomb piled up behind her.... and it failed even at that.