The Hills Have Eyes

It's totally a shame that I had to break my long movie fast by chowing down on this near-rancid overcooked slab of blecch. But whatever. Movie beggars can't be choosers. But by the way, Hey Hollywood! If I hear you complain once more that people aren't going out to your movies anymore because of dvd piracy I'm gonna yack! Look at the stinky chum you're now consistently churning out! At this rate you're eventually gonna put the friggin dvd pirates out of business! I can steal movies all day if I want to! But I don't because I like seeing them on the big screen! Everyone I know likes the big screen! The people who are really busy stealing your precious movies are your friggin kids who have megaplasma giant screen surround sound in their houses! The same kids who burn your Oscar screeners and put them on the market for friggin X money! Clean up your own backyard before pointing fingers at us regular folk! Eh? Feh! Ok.

Anyway, I headed out for a 3:30 showing of this lazydreck today. On the way there I picked up wasabis and twizz and a big water and kit kat. It felt good getting back in the movie saddle again and I had a glimmer of hope that this movie might not totally suck. The preview seemed somewhat cool. I stuffed all the goodies in my bag and got to the movie just in time for previews. Unfortunately there were zero previews that renewed my faith that good movies are on their way. Am I really supposed to get psyched up for an Omen remake? Didn't they do that already? Or no? Yes? Whatever. Anyway. This movie starts up with some decently cool credits and I got a little excited to run off into the hills, choke on some dust, and see someone catch an axe with their frickin face! Maybe they'd do it right!

Unfortunately there were so many things wrong with this movie I would love to do a negative dvd commentary over the whole friggin thing trashing it. Because it's superflawed.  It would be total fun! And they might as well do something different like that to try and steer this flick away from collecting dust in the Blockbuster bin for $6.99 two months from now because that's what it deserves. (By the way, what happened to blockbuster? Weren't they all braggy about No Late Fees like six months ago? That seemed to go right out the window or something. Late fees seem to be back. It's all gray hazy now. Nice work, executive dopes. Blockbuster seems to be sinking so fast I'm surprised you don't have to wade into the place at this point.)

Anyway, skip this movie. It's another wasted remake. Flawed to the hilt. A missed opportunity. The idea is that group of people live up in the hills all crazy faced due to nuclear testing back in the 40's and 50's is fine! (even though dated)  Then take a regular ol' family with a motorhome and run em off the road with no way out of the hills! Super! Kill em off one by one! Love it! Throw a hot chick in a bikini in there! Yay! Great! But the glue that holds something like that together is reality. Reality in conversation. In action. In planning. In response. In logic. In death. In personality. In fear. In terror. In helplessness. That's the glue! Use gobs of it everywhere on something like this! Don't just sit there sniffing it with a big dopey grin on your face!

Three Good Things About this Movie

- There were a few sweet whacky kills and creepy moments.
- I enjoyed disliking it.
- 70% of the acting and casting was actually pretty good.

Three Bad Things About this Movie

- The way they wasted bullets was eyerollily criminal. Worst violator ever.
- The music was ridiculous. All epic and stuff.
- The hill people were too sophisticated and organized.

All in all don't bother with this. Besides being stupid-- they stoop into desperately tacky here and there. Put it this way, (although this is a slight spoiler. sorry.) Just because they can have a gross mutant faced freak hold a gun to a baby's head while he sucks breast milk from the mother's boob -- doesn't mean they have to go there. Sort out your issues with your shrink on your own time. If you're really interested in seeing what's going on with this flick... just steal it off the net if you can. They're asking for it at this point.


PS. Stealing is wrong.