The Incredible Hulk  

So the other day I wrote in to the Hulk website and asked for an exclusive interview with the Hulk. Surprisingly he responded to my email by saying he doesn't grant in-person interviews "due to insurance reasons" but he would do an IM email interview session. He said he preferred to handle it this way anyway because he's often misquoted... and misunderstood.

We became IM buddies and chatted it up! I saved the IM session!

Here it is!!!

kingtodd5000: Hi Hulk!

HULKLOVAH: HELLO! :-)

kingtodd5000: So is this Bruce Banner or The Hulk I'm talking to?

HULKLOVAH: DUH! HULK!

kingtodd5000: Why aren't you Banner right now? Like, what made you all angry to change into Hulk today?

HULKLOVAH: VISTA! HULK HATE VISTA!!!! RESTARTS TAKE FOREVER!!

kingtodd5000: That's all it takes for you to turn into Hulk? Vista problems? I thought you...

HULKLOVAH: LOL! NO! HULK ACTUALLY ON MAC! ROFL! ;-)

kingtodd5000: Funny. I didn't picture you a mac guy. Anyway, what pissed you off today? What made you change?

HULKLOVAH: YOU WANT SECRET TRUTH? YOU CAN HANDLE TRUTH?

kingtodd5000: Sure...

HULKLOVAH: HULK ALWAYS IS HULK! BANNER ALWAYS IS BANNER! BACKSTORY AM JUST COMIC BOOK MYTH! THE CHANGING STUFF IS ALL MOVIE SPECIAL AFFECTS! THERE AM AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW SCOOP! IT ALL JUST SPECIAL AFFECTS!

kingtodd5000: Ummm... E-ffects, Hulk. With an E. Not A-ffects.

HULKLOVAH: HULK SMASH GRAMMAR POLICE!!!!

kingtodd5000: Hey Hulk how are you even typing? Aren't your fingers too big for the keyboard...?

HULKLOVAH: HULK HAVE GIANT KEYBOARD! IT MADE OUT OF RUBBER TOO! SO HULK CAN'T SMASH!

kingtodd5000: That sounds pretty coolio!

HULKLOVAH: IT AM XMAS GIFT FROM STAN!

kingtodd5000: So you two are pretty close?

HULKLOVAH: HE OK. HE BITCH BOUT MONEY AND ROYALTIES TOO MUCH. BLAH BLAH. LIFE TOO SHORT. I TUNE HIM OUT.

kingtodd5000: Anyway, Hulk. I just got out of your movie and I gotta tell you I thought it was...

HULKLOVAH: STUPID! I KNOW! YOU HATE IT! CRITIC SAY BAD THINGS! PEOPLE WHATEVER IT! HULK GO OUT AND SMASH GUY WITH MOUSTACHE ON TV LATER TODAY! HULK WILL PUMMEL HIM TO MUSH! THEN STUFF HIMSELF INTO HIMSELF AND

kingtodd5000: PRETTY FRIGGIN AWESOME!!!

HULKLOVAH: NO WAY!! YOU LIE TO HULK!!?! HULK WILL SMASH LIAR!!!

kingtodd5000: No seriously, Hulk! I think this flick is getting a bad rap!

HULKLOVAH: HULK KNEW IT!! HULK KNEW WAS GOOD!

kingtodd5000:: Way better than that last one...

HULKLOVAH: FEH TO THAT ONE! THAT ONE WAS FOR GIRL CROWD! I SAY NO ANG LEE NO ANG LEE BUT NO ONE LISTEN TO HULK IN MEETINGS! PEOPLE JUST NOD AT HULK LIKE HULK OPINION NOT MATTER...

kingtodd5000: Yeah last Hulk was a misfire! But this one is seriously really good! And I think in terms of superhero movies it had some over the best action scenes I've ever seen!

HULKLOVAH: SWEAR!

kingtodd5000: My mouth hung open a bunch of times cause I was so blown away by how coolio it looked! And fun!!! WAY FUN!

HULKLOVAH: HULK BLUSHING! HULK DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH COMPLIMENTS!

kingtodd5000: Totally! Seriously though. I liked watching this more than Iron Man! No weak downtime! No stupid logic problems! It was all tight!

HULKLOVAH: HULK WILL MAKE SURE TO THANK PRODUCTION PEOPLE WHEN WIN BEST ACTOR AT OSCARS!

kingtodd5000: LOL! Yeah... umm... you do that...lol!!

HULKLOVAH: HULK NOT JOKING.

kingtodd5000: Seriously?

HULKLOVAH: NO NOT SERIOUS! LOL! ;-) HULK NOT STUPID! ONLY TALK STUPID!

kingtodd5000: Hey Hulk can I ask you a personal question...

HULKLOVAH: UH HULK OK WITH THAT...

kingtodd5000: Very personal question.

HULKLOVAH: HULK LIFE AM OPEN BOOK.

kingtodd5000: Ok. Here goes.

HULKLOVAH: SHOOT

kingtodd5000: What's your hulk penis look like? Is it like hulk big?

HULKLOVAH: IT AM IN PROPORTION WITH HULK. NEXT QUESTION.

kingtodd5000: Awesome.

kingtodd5000: Have you ever... had sex?

HULKLOVAH: HULK HAS CLYDESDALE GIRLFRIEND. NEXT QUESTION.

kingtodd5000: Do you make doody?

HULKLOVAH: YES OF COURSE HULK MAKE DOODY. NEXT QUESTION.

kingtodd5000: Is it green?

kingtodd5000: Hello? Hulk?

kingtodd5000: Is your doody green?

HULKLOVAH:: IS THIS AM FOR HOWARD STERN? AM I BABABOOEY NEXT?

kingtodd5000: No Hulk these are legitimate questions!

HULKLOVAH:: NOT LEGITIMATE! YOU ASK DOODY QUESTION! THAT NOT LEGIT! GET BACK TO MOVIE OR INTERVIEW OVER.

kingtodd5000: Ok Ok..!

HULKLOVAH: OK!

kingtodd5000: Well, there's not that much to say about this flick. The action carries it a lonnng way-- and obviously Robert Downey kicks Ed Norton's ass in terms of acting. And Liv Tyler looks like she's always about to cry. She's whatevery too. And sure there's definitely is a dumb dumb factor when it comes to Hulk in general. No offense.

HULKLOVAH:: NONE TOOK. HULK KNOW LIMITATIONS.

kingtodd5000: But I think this movie is getting itself grouped in with 'whatevery' superhero movies and being sold way short! I think it's being dragged down by the last Hulk fiasco. OOH btw and I really dug your arch enemy too. The Abomination! Dig it! He looked scary and weird...

HULKLOVAH: HULK THANK

kingtodd5000: So... anyway... Back to the doody question...

HULKLOVAH:: HULK WARNING YOU

kingtodd5000: Ok ok! Jeez! Just one more question for you Hulk...

HULKLOVAH:: IT NOT ABOUT HULK DOODY?

kingtodd5000: No. I swear.

HULKLOVAH: OK THEN. SHOOT.

kingtodd5000: Umm... when you have 'special personal time' by yourself.

kingtodd5000: You know... that time when you might yknow... make yourself happy?

HULKLOVAH:: WHAT

kingtodd5000: Y'know that time you might be like stressed out or whatever and you're by yourself

kingtodd5000: and you do a certain "relaxation technique"

kingtodd5000: downstairs...

kingtodd5000: hello?

kingtodd5000: Do you know what I'm talking about?

HULKLOVAH: YES. WHAT AM QUESTION. HULK PATIENCE VERY THIN!!

kingtodd5000: Do you have to be careful that you don't rip your penis off?

HULKLOVAH: HULK SMASH!!!!

CHYATT???<<<