Iron Man

So today I got up bright and early to catch a 10:30AM matinee of this here flick. First let me give you a background to my relationship with Iron Man comic book-wise. I never read an Iron Man comic book. That's the background there. As a kid I never went huge into comic books in general. Staying pretty mainstream with some Spidermans and Batmans. Iron Man as a comic book hero always seemed better suited (suited! get it?!!) for dudes who were way into comic books.  But to me, a dabbler, I imagined Iron Man fell into that second tier of half-lame superheroes living in a perpetual fight for respectability. Punching it out low down on the racks with Captain America and Thor for some eyeballs-- but never landing a true die-hard fan. Having to be satisfied with accolades like landing at number 6 in an All Time Most Awesome Superhero top ten list made by some kid who's main talents were designing levels in Ultima III and sculpting booger castles. (But what do I know...)

But I really like Robert Donkey Jr. (from Weird Science) and the preview looked pretty coolio so on a psyched meter I admit I was at about a 7. I headed down the street with a friend of mine and we picked up bagels along the way. I also got a Diet Arizona Iced Tea (which sucked), some strawberries and a watermelon blowpop. We sat down and munched bagels tolerating TBS and TNT ruthlessly shoving new TV show previews in our faces-- while I wondered how they could even afford to make stuff that looks remotely expensive. Previews start up and I see another Indy trailer which for some reason raised some concerns for me. I didn't see a money shot and Shia LeBouf looked too girl-oriented. But whatever. I'll be there first day. Not sure if I can say the same about new Hulk.

Finally, Iron Man kicks in and for the first 15-20 minutes it looked and felt friggin awesome. Cresting out on a Swingers level of supercool. I loved the first chunk of this flick. Robert Donkey sporting a goatee of Backstreet perfection and saying cocky funny stuff. Then boom and then bam and so on into... I gotta build a suit and get out of here! I got a supermagnet/battery installed in my chest for some hazy reason! Foom! Smash! Moral dilemma! Now I gotta build another suit! Look it's Gweneth Paltron doing a Teri Garr impression! Look it's Bo Bridges brother! Jeff Goldblum! Look it's DJ Howard from Hustle and Crash! Bam! Look how cool the suit is! Fly around and stuff and there's cool sound! Foom! Foosh! And boom! Fun! Heavy metal!

But too many times I found myself sitting there waiting for this thing to kick into high gear. Waiting for something extremely awesome to explode all over the screen singeing my skin and bouncing a large spring off of my head with a funny sounding boing. And I waited and I waited. I watched him build the suit. I watched him build another suit. I looked at Gwenteth's legs and Goldblum's beard. I flicked away logic issues and reality problems. I dismissed the whispers that what I was seeing was sucking. Fortunately, there were some funny klutzy things to keep me alert and distracted. And there were some way coolio scenes. But I was waiting. So I waited. And yawned. Finally, my brain had enough and grunted in the Joker's voice, 'C'mon! Hit me!!!' And I knew this flick was just a superhero joker I had to get out of the way-- so I could get back to waiting for what I'm really waiting for.

Three Good Things About this Movie

- Robert Donkey totally carries this thing totally and I didn't mind for a second.
- It was cool to see a superhero alias that drank and banged chicks.
- It made me want to build a coolio metal suit and fly around.

Three Bad Things About this Movie

- I got no tingles or wows.
- There was more tension in my seatback.
- No other actors on the screen brought an A game.

All in all, I guess this movie does it's job. Robert Donkey definitely keeps the whole thing bopping along. I haven't appreciated him this much since he was Wayne Gale in NBK. And there was plenty in this thing to keep me from hating it. It coasted on cool. But there's just not quite enough movie-wise. The story is scattershot and dopey. All his personal connections are fumbly filler. And the action is just what I've come to expect at this point. Nothing more.  I guess after Transformers my interest in rock-em-sock-em is pretty low-- but I just expected a little more from this flick... and ended up feeling like I got a little less.