Iron Man 2

First I'm gonna talk about why Iron Man as a superhero sucks. Then I'm gonna talk about why Scarlett Johannasburg and Gwenyth Pallow and Don Cheeto all suck. Then I'm gonna talk about why this movie sucks. Then while reading you can roll your eyes and decide that my writing sucks. Then I can tell you to suck it if you don't like my writing! You don't have to read it if it sucks so much! Then you can think that it sucks that I'm getting all angry right out of the gate like this! Well, if you think it sucks so much you can stop reading now because this review is gonna be all about the movie people sucking as much suck as I they can get out of a single sucker! That sucker being me! The sucker who left his apartment for a midnight show to pay money to see something that sucked...

Ok first off. Iron Man may be coolio as a comicbook (maybe?) but as a movie superhero... he sucks. Tony Stark might be fun and funny... sure. But "Iron Man"? He flies super fast and shoots laser out of his palms? So? What else can you do, Iron Man? Land with a loud thump? Iron? Umm...Ok. What else you got? Oh. I forgot. You ain't got shit else, Iron Man. Anyone wearing that suit can pull off the same stupid stunts! So big whoop! You and Green Lantern should start the Legion of Accessorized Superheros! We're looking at an awesome suit? That's it? If I wanna look at awesome suits I'll pick up a copy of GQ! Baddumbum! Iron Man strikes me as the type of superhero that Hulk would have a good time smashing around until he's all broken and looks like crumpled red and yellow tinfoil. Are there any hardcore Iron Man comicbook fans out there? Who reads 'Iron Man' anyway? The only thing that's cool about Iron Man is the groaning ozzy guitar chord that follows him around! And you don't even get that in a comicbook! If you wanna read Iron Man properly you have to set up your iPod in a way where you can make it play the chord every time Iron Man has a moment.

Like you'd be reading your comic book and you get to this part.

And then you'd play this...

Then you'd go back to reading about how he strikes out with "Squirrel Girl".

But at least in the comicbook you won't be subjected to the one two asscheek punch of ScarJod and Gweentyh's stunningly lame acting skills. They can't even make faces right let alone talk like normal people. Here's lesson #1 in acting, ladies. Don't sound like you're a bad actor. I realize that acting might be difficult sometimes. But acting in a movie like this? You can have 50,000 takes and you can't make one sound convincing? And when the two of them would be on the screen at the same time... Uch! I'd be like, 'This is sounding like some 8th grade school play stuff right there...' At least show more of Johanson's cleavage so I can have something to look at! What's she there for if you're not zooming on those awesticulous boombooms?! Oh btw. FYI. Big secret also. Shhh. Don Cheeto sucks too. Is it me or is he always the same guy sorta? Yeah, I know he did that movie where he was that guy at the hotel manager. Fine. But he sort of half-sucked in that in reality. And his Ocean's 11 accent is like the accent everyone does when they try to talk Brit. The rest of the time. He's full-time Cheeto. He never disappears. Gimme a break with the fawning over the Cheeto...

And finally the Iron Man 2 movie. First off, I didn't think the first Iron Man was all that-- so I was pretty much in for it with this one. Just the trailer alone with the dozens of iron men all over the place was lame. That's like the Matrix mistake when they multiplied Agent Smith a million times. Way to dilute the one thing that might be cool, guys! High five! Psyche! (face slap). The plot was an unfunny jumbled mess and barely made sense. The motivation of any character was vague at best. And it all built up to a worthless shitheaded final fight that I'd probably fast forward on if I was playing the thing on DVD. The special effects were very 2003 and the script seemed like it was written by a bunch of cokefaced hollywood typewriter monkeys who think they're on a roll-- but don't realize it's just the coke.

Thankfully I'm not an Iron Man fan because this flick is probably image scarring. Yeah, Robert Dunkleman Jr. is always fun to watch but I think he's gotta step out of the suit now and go make Less Than Zero II dealing drugs up in heaven with the red flower shirt and the white crusty mouth-- or something. The only thing that I appreciated about this flick they didn't have the gall to retrofit this crap into 3-D. Thanks? Screw this shit. Screw crap sequels. And screw stupid Iron Man. Stark might be cool. But Iron Man? He sucks...

Three Good Things About this Movie

- There is something undeniably fun about Tony Stark's relentless cockwalk.
- I did like the Mickey Rourke whips and trying to figure out what's going on with his crazy puffed body.
- Some of the mechanical robot stuff seemed kinda fun? Sorta?

Three Bad Things About this Movie

- Hey! Director boy! It's called a "cameo". Try it out. Nobody needs you on screen every ten minutes.
- The acting was for the most part atrocious.
- There were a bunch of scenes that were screamingly terrible. I wish I had four hands so I could have covered both my eyes and my ears.

All in all, maybe this review was a little harsh. I do admit that I didn't fall asleep and there was a low-level of murmuring emotion that may have qualified as "entertainment" (although that's getting more and more difficult to define). But put it this way, I think most good superhero movies can kind of star anybody and be ok. I mean is anyone gonna protest in front of Marvel if Tobey MacGyer isn't in the suit next time? Would Hulk have sucked if it wasn't Edward Morton? No. The last Superman guy was practically all CGI! But this franchise only has one thing going for it. Robert Dunkleman Jr. If you take him out of the suit and slap in friggin Mark Wahlbert or someone-- this thing would nose dive into the toilet bowl and swirly itself until it rusts.