The following is the lost journal of Dr. Robert Neville:
Today there was an outbreak of a virus that threatens all humanity! It's airborne! And it turns people into vampire-like beings! New York City has been evacuated and quarantined! I am a top scientist who has been researching the cure and think I can stop this plague. Fingers crossed! I have decided to stay behind in Manhattan by myself to continue my research and find a cure. I figure there's alot of money in saving the world. Winkwink. I have also used this outbreak as an excuse to totally ditch my wife and kid "in the name of research". Yeah right. I kept the dog though. I bet my wife was super pissed but whatever. I got the place all to myself!! Shit! I'll have the whole city to myself! Very excited to sleep late and not have that brat jumping on my head at 6AM. More tomorrow!
It's 11AM and I just woke up!! I haven't slept that late in years! My plan today is to drink beer and watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy straight through. Tomorrow I'm gonna go out and gather up food for the house and officially start my research. But today is 'Robert Day'! By the way the internet is down. I guess it'll be down for a while considering the world is coming to an end but it sucks anyway. I miss email. Other than that everything is fine!... umm except for those vampire howls at night. I got a pair of those noise cancelling headphones though. Problem solved! One problem down! I'm rolling! Feeling good!
Today I headed into midtown to look around at stuff. I brought the dog along. It's weird that the city is soooo empty. I've been doing echo echo echo... type yells nonstop. I drove a Ferrari down the sidewalk knocking out a whole line of parking meters. That was kind of fun because the coins would explode everywhere and stuff. Made a cool noise. I also went into Bloomingdales and fucked shit up. Urinated right there in the middle of the store the whole deal. I tried to start a fire but it kept going out. Some dead guy scared the shit out of me! I promised myself I will start research tomorrow. Vampires kept me up a little last night but it wasn't so bad. Sam the dog says hi.
TODAY I FOUND A BAZOOKA! It was in an abandoned military vehicle! With like a dozen shells and stuff! At first I was scared of it but there are instructions printed right on the actual bazooka! Who would have thunk it! Man, that thing has a kick though! The first time I shot it off it knocked me right on my ass! My ears were ringing too! I shot one right into Tiffany's window and it looked like it does just in the movies! With the exploding outwards and stuff! AWESOME!!!!!! I wish I videotaped it. I also went into a porn store and stocked up. Researched tomorrow. Swear!
Ok. Sorry I haven't written in a while. I got caught up with porn pretty bad. Once I found out how to show porn movies on an IMAX screen it opened up a whole new world and stuff. I've been spending all day there. I guess I've been pretty stressed out with the whole 'maybe the last man on earth thing' but I feel relaxed now and I'm totally ready to start research! By the way, I also found some grenades but they make me nervous. I'm scared I'll get a defected one and it'll gonna like go off in one second and blow me up and stuff. I've been stocking up on guns totally. I found a cool one and shot up a car but it didn't explode. I feel like the movies lie about that. Research begins tomorrow!
Fine! I haven't started research yet but I'm having too much fun driving around the city and messing stuff up!! I saw one of those vampire things dead in the street and I poked at it with a stick. I guess that's sort of research. Stick poke doesn't resuscitate. There! Research! I can't believe all this is going on! It's so weird!!! LOL! I went into St. Patrick's Cathedral and made a speech no wait not a speech what's it's called SERMON! Yeah I did a sermon! The place has awesome acoustics. I did karaoke too. There was a dead guy in there. And I threw a bible at him and told him to wake up or he's going to hell. Was funny at the time. I think I'm going a little mental. Don't tell anyone! I'm supposed to be professional!
Today I saw some deer running around the city. There were also lions. Not sure why there'd be a whole flock of deer in the city? Flock? Whatever. I mean what did they commute in on the LIRR when they heard the city was empty? I also saw gang of lions. Gang? Whatever. lol. It's my city I'll call em what I want! I guess they might have escaped from the zoo but that's a pretty big stretch. I don't know. Although it looks cool around here it all looks a little fake. I guess its just surreal.
Today I seriously started research. Well... more like prepped for starting. I got the lab all set up and got everything in order but I found some percocets and ate a few. That pretty much took my head out of the research game. I drank some wine and drove drunk to Fifth Avenue and made a doody right there in the middle of the street! The dog did right after! LOL! That was funny as shit! So to speak! I wonder if those vampire guys will eat the doody tonight. I made a note to check back tomorrow. That is sort of research kind of. If they eat doody then... they're doody eaters! I'll know they like the doody. One step closer to the cure!
Sorry I haven't written in soooo long! Sorryyyyy!! But I set a trap for one of those vampire things and I actually caught one! A girl one with huge boobs! I brought her home and put her in the lab and tied her to the table. Makes me feel like a psycho a little-- but what is she gonna do? Call the cops?! LOL! I started research today by seeing how she'd react if I squeezed her boobs. She reacted like she wanted to bite me. I wrote that down. I made sure to test this theory a few times. By the way, I burned money today.
Shot hoops at the Garden today then crashed a car on purpose. Hurt my neck and blew out an airbag. You might not think 30MPH is fast but when you drive into something you know it's pretty friggin fast. I'll tell ya that! On painkillers now. I'm gonna sue that guy!!!
Not sure why those vampire things are so hungry all the time. There's food friggin everywhere. What they never heard of a supermarket?? They're stupid. I made a note of that. And I can't believe they still have clothes on. You'd think... well... whatever. I played a zombie video game all day today.
I know this is a big jump since you last heard from me-- but I started writing in this other journal book because it was all fancy and stuff but I totally left that book somewhere and I can't find it. Really pissed because I wrote some good stuff! I've been drinking at ton so it could be anywhere. Research hasn't been going all that great. This plague is really messed up. I'm thinking it might have a been a bad idea to stay behind this way. Maybe it would have been better go into one of the underground military bases-- but I'd have to have brought the wife and kid and that would have been a drag. I don't know. I tried to teach the dog to drive a car today but he didn't get it at all! He beeped the horn though. Not sure if it was on purpose. I approved his driver's license. Close enough!
Today I tried to have a conversation with myself but I got bored and accused me of being boring. I took it personally and it ended up turning into a big fight with me. I've been dipping alot into the medicine cabinet down in the lab. I've been mixing and matching. I think I slept for 24 hours the other day. I've lost track of time all together. The other day I took one pill of each color and ended up puking all over the vampire girl. She reacted like she wanted to bite me. I wrote that down. Research?
I'm not sure my research is going the way I'd hoped. The only thing I've done this week is injected a mouse with some random stuff and it died right away. I wrote that down. I have a secret though, journal. I feel shame. Our secret, ok? ... I did it with a sedated vampire girl!!! There! I said it! Don't tell anyone! I feel shame extra because I know I'll do it again. I was bored!! I got hammered after. It wasn't so bad.
I've decided that this whole experience would make an awesome movie! I started writing a screenplay about it starting from when I ditch my wife and kid to hang out in an abandoned city! If things ever go back to normal I'll sell it for sooo much money! I wonder who they'll get to play me! George Clooney? Brad Pitt? You never know with Hollywood stuff...
Day 109: Vampire girl stinks!!! I sprayed her down with Lysol but she stunk right through it! I can't do it with that stink!!
Pssst. Journal. This isn't Robert. This is his twin brother Pierre. I'm going to get us both out of here before we go crazy. Don't worry I won't forget to take you along.
I just noticed there was an entry yesterday that I didn't write. Either I'm crazy or there's something crazy going on or both. I don't recall having a twin brother. I think that is something I would remember. Right? I can't believe his name is Pierre! What was my mom thinking? I hope he's real. I'm bored. Today I went into one of the fancy hotels and shot guns all afternoon at the lamps and stuff. One bullet ricocheted and whizzed right by my head! At first I was like whoa but then I kept shooting. I tried not to aim at anything metal.
Last night I went out to watch the vampire things from a rooftop. They just sort of mill about and push at each other. I threw stuff down at them but they couldn't tell where it was coming from. They're pretty stupid. I made a Molotov cocktail out a gas can but it didn't work. The wick rag fell out when I threw it. Oh well. I tried to do sex with unsedated Vampire girl down in the lab. She was having none of it!!! She's not into me anymore. So I went upstairs and played jacks with the dog for five hours. Dogs suck at jacks.
I tried to blow up a whole building today. I just put all sorts of explosives in the ground floor and gasoline and stuff then shot a bazooka in there. The explosion was sort of disappointing and the building didn't collapse. Nowhere's near as big as I thought. It just sagged a little. I'd put some more explosives in there and try it again but I'm afraid the building will fall down on my head. Another day wasted. Research hasn't been going to great. So far I've learned that the vampires die when I shoot them in the head and they try and bite when I touch their private parts. A cure isn't exactly around the corner. Been injecting morphine alot.
Pssst... Diary it is me. Pierre. I have decided to crown myself King of New York this week. I am going to send out invitations to all the most respected people in New York. It's going to be a lavish affair!!!
Great news! I got invited to a lavish affair!!! Tomorrow night! A handwritten invitation was written for me! I'm not sure what I'm going to wear yet! It says I am an 'Honored Guest'! Moi? It starts at 8PM in the middle of Times Square! Pretty coolio! I don't mean to brag but my stature in this town must be pretty up there to get an invitation like this!!! I haven't been out at night in ages! Not sure why! Night time is the right time! For partying! Anyway, I'm gonna go to Brooks Brothers today and get me a tuxedo! I might even pay cash for it! LOL! I have so much cash in this place now. Might as well spend it while I got it. I'm the mack daddy-o!
Well, journal, tonight is the big night! I'm off to Times Square in my tuxedo! So psyched for this party! And I do look sharp if I don't say so myself. Pierre is going to be so jealous!! I don't think he was invited but I'm not going to rub it in. I'm a decent person! Got a limo downstairs and everything. I put vampire girl in the trunk just in case I need a date later. Sucks that I have to drive it myself but when I pull up I'm just going to crawl into the backseat and go out through backdoor! Like a real celebritdignitary! Stylin!!! When I get back I'll tell you all about it!!!
PS. Seriously, don't touch any of my stuff in the lab while I'm gone! I think I found a cure by accident! For realzers!!!! Totally per accident! A real cure!!!
(last known entry)