The Longest Yard
The following is an actual transcript from a preproduction meeting for The
Longest Yard.
March 30, 2005.
Attendees:
Adam Sandler (Star)
Director Guy (Director)
Writer Guy (Writer)
Producer Guy (Producer)
Burt Reynolds (Jerk)
The five of them are sitting around a table discussing making this movie.
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Producer Guy: Let's get cracking on thinking of things! We start shooting in less than a week. Do we have a script?
Writer Guy: Do we have a script!
Producer Guy: Well do we?
Writer Guy: Do we ever!?
Adam Sandler (in little kid voice): Poopy in the underpants makes the banana man go wee wee.
(silence)
Adam Sandler: Pee pee in the wee wee?
Producer Guy: Agreed. Pee pee is in the wee wee. Good point, Adam.
Adam Sandler: Wait!
(silence for five minutes)
Adam Sandler: Call me, The Boner Man...
Producer Guy: You got it, Boner Man.
Adam Sandler: (throws a paper cup. it bounces off Producer Guy's head) THE Boner Man! Say it superhero style! THE BONER MANNNN!
Producer Guy: Good throw! THE BONER MANNNN!
(silence)
Adam Sandler: I don't like that anymore. Call me, King Pookie instead.
Producer Guy (snaps his fingers): I like it! You got it... KP.
Adam Sandler (in sad stupid voice): I am the king so I would like a crown on my head now please thank you...
Producer Guy (yells): Crown girl!
Some girl runs in with a Burger King crown that has a sign on it that says 'Pookie'. She puts it on Adam's head.
(silence)
Director Guy: I'm thinking this Longest Yard is going to be better than the original!
Burt Reynolds: Shut up, asshole. You're a fuckin asshole!!
Director Guy: I am?
Burt Reynolds: Whoever! Asshole is universal! It applies to everyone! Especially me! Burt Reynolds!
Producer Guy: Who's Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: Me! Ballbag for brains! I am!
Director Guy squints a Burt Reynolds.
Director Guy: Swear?
Burt Reynolds: I used to eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast...
Everyone looks at Adam. He's focused on drawing a picture. The moment passes.
(silence)
Director Guy: I'm thinking we should have some music in the movie!
Writer Guy: Yeah! Good idea! People love music! And gay jokes! Ooh! And black jokes!
Adam Sandler (in bad Yoda voice): Funny it is too when people get hit in the balls they do.
Writer Guy: Holy shit! It is funny when people get hit in the balls! Great idea!
Adam Sandler (still in Yoda): It is... Is it?...Isn't is is?
Producer Guy: You struck gold again, KP! Lots of hitting in the ball region!
Burt Reynolds: My balls are now under my nipples.
(silence)
Writer Guy: I think the movie should have interesting characters!
Director Guy: That's a great idea!!
Adam Sandler: No it's not!
Director Guy: Yeah that idea is out, stupid.
Writer Guy: But you just said great idea!
Director Guy: I didn't say great idea... I said... hate... hate idea.
Producer Guy: I hate it too, KP. No characters!
(silence)
Writer Guy: Anyone have any ideas?
(silence)
Writer Guy: What about sort of an idea? Any sort ofs?
Burt Reynolds: I have an idea sort of.... I got this a tennis ball machine in my house and I shoot tennis balls at my staff and...
A door opens and Chris Rock pokes his head in the room.
Chris Rock: More black jokes, crackahs!
Adam Sandler: Right on, Rock! Write that down writer guy!
Chris Rock smiles and slams the door slams shut.
Writer Guy: Ok. I'll write it down now!
Writer Guy grabs a pencil and does that trick where you pretend to push a pencil into the side of your head then pull it out your mouth.
Writer Guy: Got it.
Director Guy: You didn't write that down!
Writer Guy: I keep everything I write down in my head.
Director Guy: You what?
Writer Guy: What? Oh. I keep all the... ummm..... letter groupings.... in a row... things.... what are they called again?
Producer Guy: Words.
Writer Guy: Right! Those! I keep those in my head.
Adam Sandler (in stuttery voice): I don't like-a the words... One time there were words in my underwear and then my penis and testicles got in a fight and I had to fart to break it up...
(silence)
Producer Guy: Great stuff, KP.
Director Guy: Ok what do we have so far?
Writer Guy: We're remaking the Longest Year...
Burt Reynolds: Not year, shitbutt for cocks. Yard. Longest Yard!
Writer Guy: Yard?
Adam Sandler: Tard.
Writer Guy: Pard?
Producer Guy: Guard!
Adam Sandler: Card!
They all look at Burt. He's thinking.
Burt Reynolds: Mold!
(silence)
Burt Reynolds: Mold works too.... fuckin assholes.
(silence)
Adam Sandler: I want to take a shower with my clothes on then go to the mall and tell everyone it's raining outside.
Producer Guy: Great idea, KP.
(silence)
Producer Guy: Are we done here?
Director Guy: I'm feeling good about this! This is gonna be fantastic!
Burt Reynolds: Don't say 'fantastic'. I hate that word.
Writer Guy: What's a word?
Adam Sandler (yelling): I have one word for you! Ah 'VAGINA!'
Adam holds up a piece of paper with a drawing of a stick figure woman with big boobs. An arrow points to her crotch. Under that is the word, 'Vagoon!'
Producer Guy: Great stuff, KP.
Burt Reynolds scribbles wildly on a piece of paper and holds it up. It's a drawing of scribble.
(silence)
Burt snaps his fingers over his shoulder to no one.
Burt Reynolds: Frame this, jerk.
Burt drops the paper over his shoulder to no one.
(silence)
Adam Sandler: One time I was home and I peed in the hallway and I put my socks on and I played skate hockey in the urine.
Burt Reynolds: I'll slap your face, little boy!
Adam Sandler: Stop looking at me, swan!
Adam runs out of the room.
Producer Guy (yells after him): Great meeting, KP!
Director Guy: So I guess that's that? All set, Writer Guy?
Writer Guy holds up piece of paper with something that looks like the number 7 or it might be a 4.
Director Guy: Looks good!
Producer Guy: Good stuff!
Burt Reynolds: If this was 1977 you guys would be waxing my helmet about now.
(silence)
Writer Guy: Should we get working on the sequel?
Producer Guy: Definitely! Let's make this one about soccer! Americans love soccer!
Adam Sandler pokes his head in the window from outside. He's wearing a mask of Richard Nixon and a football helmet. He doesn't say anything.
They all stare at Adam. He makes the peace sign with both hands.
(silence for ten minutes)
Adam Sandler: Goobity gob goobity!
Producer Guy: Great stuff, KP! You're on a roll!
Burt Reynolds: Assholes. All of you...
Chris Rock pokes his head in the door again.
Chris Rock (smiling big): Can't we all just get along?
Director Guy: That's gold! Write that down!
Writer Guy does the pencil trick again.
Meeting adjorned.