The Matrix Revolutions

So this morning I got up early to catch a 10:20AM showing of this astounding display of terriblicity. I picked up some beef jerky and a large water along the way and wandered into a theater that had probably 20 other people in it. One person sat in the first row. Front and center. By choice. He scared me. They showed a few coolio looking previews before the movie started. One was 'The Day After Tomorrow' which looked cool. Also Troy had a good preview. Matrix Revolutions never had a good preview. Every time I saw the preview for this I'd always be amazed that there was no money shot. There was no 'Wow! I have got to see that! I don't care if the movie sucks! If its got THAT in it then it must be worth something.' This Matrix III preview had none of "THAT". And it's not because they were hiding it. There was no money shot.

The first thing I noticed bout this movie was that the greenish wavy Warner logo that opens Matrix movies didn't tingle me up at all. Flatline excitementwise. I had some hopes that perhaps it could redeem itself but I doubted it. They made 2 and 3 together. There wasn't time to from the Brothers to learn from their mistakes. In this flick they seemed to have embraced them. I've tried to rewatch Matrix II and found it to be unwatchable. Within 10 minutes of Matrix III I knew that all hope was lost. Too much of it was off. The majority of the dialogue throughout the whole movie was painful or laughable. Everyone wore tattered grey JCrewish sweaters. (Leaders had different colored tattered sweaters). Zion was ugly. The people of Zion were annoying and silly. And I couldn't understand what the hell was going on.

It's possible that I missed some things in the first hour because I simply couldn't listen to what they were saying or I really didn't care enough to actually listen. So much of it was kooky jibberjabber. Here's an example of dumb: There was a new Oracle lady to replace the last Oracle lady because she died in real life. Fine. I realize it's hard to replace someone who died- but new Oracle's excuse for her new face was something along the lines of (seriously) 'Well I went and did something. I wasn't sure if I should have been doing what I decided to do. But I did it anyway. And I guess I was right to do what I did because here I am. Except with a new face...' Oh ok.   Wait...what?  Is that a joke?

All sorts of things are wrong. The "great war" was strategically noticeably stupid on both sides. The 'officers' of Zion were all yelly assholes in sweaters who ran around doubting everything and planning nothing smart. (At this point, do you think maybe you could have just a little trust in Neo? No? Not yet? Still? STILL?!) And on the machine side the octopus creatures seemed more interested in flying around in circles rather than just killing everything in sight. It was like they were showing off. Fancy. Around this time I started to notice the lack of carnage. There were no quick deaths. Everyone had their dramatic 'Go on without me! GO! GO!! gasp...' moment. I just wanna see a main character get their head lopped off quick then let's move on. Hit me with something here.

Whateverish characters cluttered up the place. The annoying Frenchman who liked to hang out in a leather nightclub and eat olives. Whatever. Trinity was transformed into robot cocking her head like a friggin Terminator. Whatever. Morpheus. Some Chinese dude. The wheelchair guy from Oz. Whatever whatever. And Jada (who btw gave an interview talking about how it was difficult to "learn how to fly the ships". You might want to reel in your actorial heroics there, moviestar..) What-ev-er. But in the movie's defense it so often dove head first into terrible and cheesy that I found parts of it entertaining. Something about seeing Agent Smith flying in the darkened sky and stopping to put his arms in the air and scream as lightning bolts go off behind him simply made me laugh. There was alot of that kind of stuff. Attempts to get me to emotionally care came off as legitimately funny. Awful dialogue perfectly in tune. So on that level I didn't mind this movie. It was an absolute trainwreck mess- but there was that part of me that was secretly semi-amused watching the whole thing derail- but not nearly enough to make it worthwhile.

Three Good Things About This Movie

- Although it was more terribler and more stupider-- the third movie was less painful than the second movie.
- Some of the effects and kabooms were impressive but at this point --you can't buy me love.
- Agent Smith guy carried the movie a ways. Regardless of how over the top he was (and he was.... way.) it was fun to see him do his thing.

Three Bad Things About This Movie

- It was depressing to think about the breakdown and how we got to from Point A to Point C... minus.
- The sequels have damaged the original.. (Unlike something like Godfather III which can be separated out mentally.)
- I think the movie could have actually benefited if the movie studio execs were more involved and meddled. 

All in all I can't recommend this movie. The second one was better. And that one pretty much sucked. This one was more like, 'Let's just get it over with already..' The Matrix trilogy started off like a fit and trim diver on a high board who sets up, jumps off and dives doing twists and turns beautifully. Then he breaks out from the routine and starts flailing his arms and legs. Then in the end he splashes down into a half-filled Mr. Turtle pool and you see that the promising graceful diver has now become a big fat guy in a bad bathing suit sitting in a cracked plastic pool with his legs hanging over the sides... and you can see his nutsack hanging out. Uch.