Ocean's Twelve

There are alot of reasons why Ocean's Twelve sucked. 

Ocean's Twelve was like the result of when the cool high school kids get together to do something cool like make the coolest movie they could make. 

Let's take a look at their yearbook:

Stephen Soderbergh 

Cool Nickname: Berger, B-Man

Likes: Big glasses, being cool, selling out, and hipster flare.

Dislikes: Good ideas, honesty, unattractive people.

Quote: "Momma always told me not to look in the eyes on the sun. But momma that's where the fun is." -Manfred Mann

George Clooney

Cool Nickname: K.G. (King George, Baby!), G-Man

Likes: Flirting, Making others comfortably uncomfortable, Gay porn

Dislikes: Being ignored, Mirrorless rooms, Women who speak.

Quote: "When you come to a fork in the road....Take it " -Yogi Berra

Brad Pitt

Cool Nickname: Peach, P-Man

Likes: Thinking up super cool theories, Writing in a journal, Masturbating to Fight Club

Dislikes: Jennifer Aniston, K.G., Berger, bad theories

Quote: "I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with. " -Rodney Dangerfield

Matt Damon

Cool Nickname: D-Man, Dog

Likes: Looking interested at interesting things, Being warm when it's cold outside, Sleeping when tired.

Dislikes: Unlikeable things, Surprise pain, Rashes on my neck, Artichokes

Quote: "I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them." - GWB

Catherine Zeta-Jones

Cool Nickname: Kitch, Grimey

Likes: People looking at me, Flipping my hair, Pretending I'm not the most beautiful, Flipping my hair

Dislikes: Listening to Michael Douglas, Flab, Michael Douglas, People who talk about themselves and not me.

Quote: "Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works." -Gordon Gekko

Andy Garcia

Cool Nickname: Hose, Meat

Likes: Being a superstar, Other stars, Star oriented activity, Personal penis

Dislikes: Non-superstars, People who have no star power, Unstarrish places, Other people's penises

Quote: "They say a lot of women would like to see me naked, but there's not a lens long enough for that."  - Andy Garcia

Julia Roberts

Cool Nickname: Jules, Nelson

..... Umm... Actually y'know what. I'm gonna stop this yearbook shtick and spare Julia (because she was the best thing in the movie plus the whole yearbook thing started to tire me out and this movie was tiring because it's so tired..)

Here's the deal. Ocean's Twelve is not worth seeing. It's boring. It's way too long. It rambles. It's crowded. The plot makes no sense. It's loaded with bad lines and bad dialogue. The directing style is annoying. Sort of like a watery Guy Ritchie. It's overloaded with overlouded with hipster music. The whole thing smells of fake energy. (Like doing the wave at a football game when your team is down by five touchdowns at the two-minute warning. That kind of energy. Yawn.) And the side characters Bernie Mac, Carl Reiner, Casey Affleck all serve zero purpose. Bernie Mac sits in jail like the whole time. Nice. 

Yes there are some funny lines and I liked it when Bruce Willis came into the picture but for the most part this is the laziest film I've seen in a while. (Thus the lazy review.) Everyone was too good looking and too slick ..as I expected. Everything works out too well. There's no tension at all whatsoever. The heist was barely interesting. It wasn't fun. This movie is ungood.  And it reaffirms my belief that Soderberger is the most overrated major director out there. (What has he made that has aged well?) He seems like the type of guy that always wanted to be in with the cool kids and now that he's been 'accepted' --he snubs his old friends. 

Three Good Things About This Movie

- Julia Roberts was funny.
- I liked the chinese guy.
- I don't think there will be an Ocean's 13.

Three Bad Things About This Movie

- It seriously barely made any sense.
- Elliott Gould.
- There was no action or reaction.

All in all try I'd recommend resisting seeing this movie. It's everything a bad sequel should be but it's somehow worse because of the glaring star power. Think about it this way. Instead of buying a movie ticket, imagine all the stars in this movie standing in a line next to the ticket window- and on the way in to theater you have to hand each of them a dollar for the privilege of seeing this film. They don't even say thank you and won't even look at you. And then when you walk away you think you hear them say something about you- then giggle. When you look back at them they all look at the ceiling like nothing was going on. Then as you walk into the theater, you hear whispering (maybe something about your shirt?) then more giggling. 

And they got your dollar which is all they wanted.