Oceans 13

Over the weekend I had the opportunity to sit around a table with George Clooney and Brad Pitt and interview them about their new movie! Coolio!

We agreed to meet at a coffee shop down the street. They were already there when I arrived. They were sitting there taking pictures of each other with big fancy cameras. I sat across from the two of them and they pointed their cameras at me. Neither took a picture. They looked at each other then they put down their cameras.

Here's a transcript of the interview:

Me: Thanks to you for agreeing to do this. Obviously I...

Clooney: Hey man. Hey, what's wrong with your face?

Pitt: Yeah! I was just about to ask him! What the hell is wrong with your face?

Me: What? Is something on my face?

Clooney: No! The whole thing! The shape. It's all... Man, I don't know... Brad? What's that called?

Pitt: Not handsome.

Clooney: Yeah, your face. It's not... handsome.

Me: I think I look... ok looking...like different good looking and...

Pitt: And where's your hair? Did you shave it off for a role?

Clooney: I'd never shave my hair off. I'd have to kill myself. Why'd you do that?

Me: I... um... didn't shave it. It sort of fell out a while ago. Like umm...

Pitt: It fell out? What did you grow up near a radioactive power plant?! Kernobyl?

Clooney: (In Borat voice): High five!

(Clooney and Pitt laugh and high five.)

Clooney: You're funnier than me!

Pitt: No way! You're the funny one!

(Clooney and Pitt stare into each other's eyes then start making out passionately.)

Clooney: Your penis isn't big.

Pitt: Bigger than yours!

Clooney: But I have a vagina!

Pitt: (In Borat voice): High five!

(Clooney and Pitt laugh and high five again)

Me: Umm. Can we talk about the movie?

Pitt: Borak?

Clooney: I turned down the lead in that movie. Twice.

Me: You turned down the role... of Borat?... in Borat?

Clooney: Yeah twice. I turn down every role twice.

Pitt: Not until after I do first twice!

(Brad snaps and then points at himself.)

Matt Damon approaches the table dressed as a waiter.

Damon: Can I take your order?

Clooney: No way!!!!

Damon laughs.

Pitt: Get outta here!!!

Damon laughs and slides out a chair to sit down.

Pitt pushes it back in.

Pitt: No I'm serious. Get out of here. Nobody likes you.

Clooney: Yeah you're not as cool as us. And you're fake handsome. You stink.

Pitt: Yeah get outta here. We're busy talking to this deformed reporter and we don't need you uncooling up this place.

Me: I'm not deformed!

Clooney: Not deformed. Ok. What? "Facially-challenged"? What does your kind like to be called?

Pitt: Are you still here!? Exit! Stage left!

Damon tries to hold back crying and fails. He walks away blubbering. He throws his waiter tray like a frisbee and it goes straight into the wall. It makes a clatter noise.

Clooney: He can't even tantrum cool.

Pitt: He was cooler when he was a woman.

Clooney: He was a man then a woman then a man again. Right? Maybe he should go back to...

Me: Can we please now talk about the movie?

Clooney: Borox?

Me: Not Borat!!! Oceans 13!

(Pitt raises his hand)

Pitt: Let me guess the first question! Ok?

Me: Umm...

Clooney: Self interviews! Very cool!

Pitt: Could Oceans 13 movie be any cooler?

Clooney: Yes! If yes meant no! NOT!

Pitt: Question two. Can we be anymore more handsomer?

(Pitt and Clooney look at each other.)

Clooney: No. Impossiple.

Me: Guys, I'm supposed to be the one asking.....

Clooney: Can we... be... any cooler... and more handsomer?!!

Pitt: I asked that!

Clooney: What was the answer?

(Clooney's cellphone rings. The ringtone is his own voice saying, 'You're cool. You're handsome. You're cool.')

Pitt: I think that's your vagina phone ringing.

Clooney: Yeah it would be.... if it was your vagina phone...

(Clooney looks at the caller ID)

Clooney (yawns): That's Angelina calling again.

Pitt: Yeah. Angelina.... Houston!!

Me: Can we please talk about Ocean's 13!!!?

Pitt: Man, this guy is as annoying as his face. I can't look at you straight on. Do you mind?

Me: No. I just want to get through this interview.

(Pitt turns away from me and looks over his right shoulder.)

Pitt: No offense.

Clooney: OK shoot. What did you think about the movie? Great right?

Pitt: Soderbooger told us it was great. I haven't seen it.

Clooney: Me neither. It's not cool to see your own movies. That's considered immobile.

Me: Immobile? I think that's the wrong word.

Pitt: That word sounds cool. So it is right. Immobile. Cool.

Clooney: Everyone is gonna be saying immobile all day tomorrow. It's the new cool word.

Pitt: You should make it your ringtone.

Me: Shut up! Jeezus! And I did not think your movie was "great"!

(They stare at me.)

Clooney: Better than great then?

Pitt: No wait. Is there a word better than "better"? Because maybe that word would be better than better.

Clooney: Better...boob.

(They both laugh and high five.)

Me: Well. I guess it was better than The Good German...

Clooney: Who's that? Adolf Spielberg?

Pitt: That's funny!!!

Clooney: That is funny.

Me: Why is that funny?

Pitt: Does your deformity affect your hearing or something?.. Adolf... Spielberg... Funn... Eee.

Clooney: He's immobile.

(They both point at me)

Me: Enough! LISTEN! Here's what I thought about your movie. It was sort of decent to look at--- but I thought you two were actually... annoying. Way.

(They stop laughing).

Me: I mean it's totally shtick now with you two being all regular guy cool with your secret ridiculous plans and double plans and all glitzy and stuff. Friggin yawn! We all know how it ends from the beginning. Where's the fun? And I really couldn't follow what everyone was doing anyway! Or I didn't care enough to bother. And Matt Damon with a fake nose? Was that supposed to be funny?

(From across the room we hear Matt Damon yell 'Yes!' then he whimpers.)

Clooney: Quiet down Mattina!

Pitt: Yeah... Madeline Kahn!

Me: I don't know. I gotta admit I thought everything was 'OK'. Very watchable with some cool shots. But I wasn't ever thrilled and I didn't laugh nearly enough. It was like doing a 15 piece jigsaw puzzle. Kinda satisfying but really sort of dopey. I liked Affleck Junior-- but all in all, I think it would be best if Oceans 14 didn't happen... Seriously.

(Clooney and Pitt stare at me with squinty eyes.)

Pitt: What are you bitter because you got all deformed and bald when Kernobyl blew up...?

Me: It's not Kernobyl... it's Chernobyl!!

Clooney: Deformy would know. Kernobyl is obviously his hometown.

Me: It's not my hometown!!! And I'm not deformed!!

Pitt: You look like an angry bald zombie.

Clooney: Just admit our movie was super cool!!!

Pitt: Definitely. It was super cool. Admit it.

Clooney: Admit it was the coolest.

Pitt: Yeah say it.

Clooney: Say it. Because it would be cool if you said it.

Me: Ok! Ok! It was the coolest!!!! Coolest movie ever!!!!

(Clooney and Pitt laugh and high five again)

Me: ... NOT!

(Pitt stares at me then covers his mouth like he's about to throw up then looks away.)

Clooney: Y'know, I turned down that role. You just did Borox, right?

Pitt: Maybe he's right. Maybe we shouldn't do Oceans 14.

Clooney: What?? That's not cool!

Pitt: We should go straight to Oceans 17! That would be even cooler!

Clooney: Ayyyy! Great idea! Call Soderbooger! I just had another brilliant immobile idea! Oceans 17!

Pitt: It was my idea!!!!

Clooney: It was our idea.

(Pitt and Clooney start passionately making out again.)

I get up and slowly back away from the table and leave them to their own devices.

On the way out Matt Damon hands me his card and whispers for me to call him.