The Chronicles of Riddick

So today was a movie day. I knew I was either going to see Potter or Riddick. A friend of mine came into Brooklyn and we decided that seeing Riddick was the way to go. Maybe it was because I found the past Potter movies to be disappointing and knew exactly what to expect (even it it is better). Maybe because Pitch Black was an impressive guilty pleasure- but most likely the idea of two grown men going to see Potter was just too big of a blow to our manhood when we knew Riddick would practically be sitting next to us in the theater calling us pussies the whole time for being scared of Snape. But needless to say it was the wrong call. F Riddick.

The Riddick movie was not a complete disaster (let's say 78% disaster to be fair) but I know that if I live to 150 I'll never see this movie again for the rest of my life. Ever. Unless I get hit with some sort of Clockwork Riddick eyelid pry situation I will never see these 'Chronicles' again. This is a one time only viewing max- because the only juice to be squeezed from this dopey flick is in the visuals and the sound. And even with that it's like holding up an orange and squeezing hard with your head tilted back to just catch the drops. 

Certain scenes were impressively expensive looking in a low rent way and there was some decent candy in there. But the real star of this movie as far as I was concerned was the sound. Maybe it was because I was halfbored out of my mind through most of this but I really seemed to latch onto the sounds in the movie. Swooshing and clanging and sliding and engines and blasts. It all sounded really good and dead on. So that was coolio sorta.

Unfortunately the groovy sound effects were constantly interrupted by the lead prop of the movie, Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel with the voice that should be really cool but simply isn't. Something about his voice isn't aggressive enough. It's like soothing. So soothing that I literally almost fell asleep. I had to fight off sleep for a while by doing the squinty eye thing at the screen thinking if I just lower my eyes it will appease the call of sleep. When I finally did the head nod snap, I went out to buy an ice cream from one of those vending machines to perk me back up. You know the movie is in trouble when the coolest thing I saw during the movie was the way the vending machine dispenses the ice cream. It had this sort of hose/suction/lift/drop situation going on. It was cool! (although the ice cream itself was too small. the picture on the machine was misleading. feh) 

To make a long story short plotwise here's a summary of the chronicles. Vin Diesel is a guy. People are after him and he goes places to do things. Insert action. Dame Judi Dench slums it on the side. There. The end. Groan. Moan. Yawn. Then splut.

Three Good Things About This Movie

- It did have a unique look to it all. It really didn't look particularly good but it looked ummm... differently goodish.
- The sound was powie wowie zoomy.
- There were a few scenes here and there that were entertaining -but nothing even snatched a gasp out of me. 

Three Bad Things About This Movie

- Pages 20-34, 56-70, 120-128, 134-149 were missing from the shooting script.... hopefully.
- It was lifeless. And there wasn't enough death.
- Nobody was particularly hateable or likeable. 

All in all this movie is tired (oh so tired). It sucked my energy right into the screen. A whatever star in a whatever plot with whatever action and whatever hot chick with whatever side characters with whatever everything going on all around it. Whatever. As extra special whatevery bonus it was a solid 25 minutes too long too! Sigh. Though somehow when all is said and done I found this whole sci-junk spectacle oddly soothing. Weirdly relaxing almost.... but unfortunately in a very whatevery way.