Shoot Em Up

In the first scene of the movie, Clyde Owen is sitting at a bus stop eating a carrot. A pregnant woman goes running by in a panic while holding her belly. A Pontiac Firebird comes screeching around the corner. The driver gets out and yells something along the lines of, 'You're dead, bitch!' He walks by Clyde and takes out a gun to go shoot the pregger chick or whatever. Clyde can't resist. He has to get involved. And Hero Clyde starts off the killing by stabbing the guy through his open mouth with a carrot. Right out the back of his head. Then he takes a gun and kills like twenty guys by doing stuff like-- shooting a barrel of oil which leaks all over the floor so he can run and slide across the warehouse on the slick oil while shooting guys in all directions killing everybody. Then he delivers the baby while still shooting people and after the baby is born he shoots the umbilical cord with his gun. Welcome to the world.... of Shoot Em Up.

Sounds good, right? Actually it is-- if you can run with that sort of slackjawed mindset. In some ways, I respected this movie because it decided to go really far with its particular brand of stupid. I mean how many movies have you seen where a guy is having sex with a girl and people bust into the room and the guy keeps shooting everyone without even bothering to stop screwing-- and the girl is in such ecstasy that she seems to be ignoring the fact that the bullets are flying past her head because she's in orgasm overdrive! With the punchline afterwards, 'That's what I call shooting your load...' Groan! The only time I saw any scene even close to that was some deleted scene on the DVD for Willow.

This movie isn't for people who like their movie's untarded. It's just pretty much non-stop shooting with a plot so super stupid I couldn't even figure it out-- and when I finally started to piece it together they made it worse by stupiding it up ten-fold and launching it into stoopblivion. And as I stared at this mess and watched actors like Clyde Owen and (the let's face it, increasingly overrated) Ron Giamatti-- I wondered how the hell they ended up in this movie. When they read a script that included numerous characters getting stabbed dead with carrots and some incoherent plot about some Senator that reads like it was written by a drunk professional wrestler. How does that translate to a yes? I mean this movie wasn't Oscar worthy! (And Oscar is a guy I know who huffs paint and plays Colecovision all day...)

All that being said, I admit, I wasn't totally bored. I did laugh on the high notes of ridiculousness. And I didn't feel the need to walk out nor throw up all over myself in protest. But as I couldn't help constantly wondering how a movie like that comes into existence. It almost feels like the 'Writter/Directer' of this crapblastical blackmailed everyone into participating-- by threatening to reveal to the world something even more stupider they done did.

Three Good Things About this Movie

- The exercise of dumbing my brain way down enough to enjoy something like this-- almost feels like a talent.
- I did like half of the songs that went along with the action scenes. Nirvana, Motorhead, Crue.
- Even though he bothers me I can't help but liking the Clyde Owen.

Three Bad Things About this Movie

- It was poor.
- Giamatti was annoyingly throughout.
- Although you do get to see the sides of the Italian chick's big 'real' boobs... she doesn't show more than that.

All in all, this movie does not need to be seen. I really had a hard time in my head debating what to see tonight. The Brave One (respectabley stupid I assume) or Shoot Em Up (blatantly stupid I spitoon). And I'll take the latter any day. Because the one redeeming quality about a movie like this is it doesn't pretend to be anything but straight-out stupid. It doesn't try to tie in some love story. Or make any real political statements (except being both very pro and very anti-gun control at the same time). It doesn't declare itself to be art. No misleading title. It just is what it is....

In other words... It's honest.