Super 8

So when I was up in NH I dragged the gf with me to see Super 8 up at some yonder theater. We arrived at a surprisingly fake-looking Regal Cinemas (the design of the building looked like it was on a bad movie set waiting to get all exploded)-- and we got Junior Mints, Twizz and a blue slushee.

 I was sort of excited bout the Super 8 but after hearing the murmured interweb buzz of-- 'Yeah it's not bad...' or 'It's like a fun trip down movie memory lane!' I was kinda like, 'Uh oh. I don't want to hear that.' Because in this world of iffy gutless flicks 'not bad' = atrocious and 'a fun trip down memory lane' = prepared to be tortured by a souless movie. If this movie had any pride it would crawl itself into a garbage can and shut the lid and wait quietly for the pickup. It smelled like rotten Play Doh.... whatever that smell smells like. That's what it smelled like.

Right out of the gate I knew this movay was like DOA. I was hit with a double barrel of powdery nostalgia for Spellberg movies but not the Jaws side-- the Captain Cheesebag side. Cookie cutter plasticine characters. Dialogue that grabs on to a lazy-70's reference and smiles as if it just handed you the keys to Greased Lightning. Cheap corners-cut effects. But worst of all, this movie is slow. So veryyy slow. I was like, "Are we like seriously a half-hour in and they still ain't crashed that train?"

And when the train crash finally came roaring down the tracks-- I settled in and got to grinny but that quickly turned frowny as I watched some crap special effects that looked like they were put together by a condescending choo-choo nerd who works part-time at the local Genius Bar. It didn't even make any sense. As the train rumbled to an unrealistic stop-- I was hit with the dread of... 'Holy sht...No! The trainwreck sucked! And that was supposed to be the cool part! If that sucked! There's no hope. None!' I held out hope anyway. That somehow it would click in. Somehow they'd get a clue. Somehow I'm still gullible that way...

By 45 minutes I was reeling in my seat with only the whites of my eye showing and my tongue all lolling out the side. Hating every drop like a Nehi Orange Drink open mouthed golden shower. Angrily staring at this lazy-ass nonsense wondering why I thought this was going to be something like the semi-juicy Cloverfield. Cloverfield was pummeled with logic problems but survived. This thing didn't even bother to bother with bothering. It just sat up there with its LL Abrahms/Spellberg pedigree haunches peering down and giggling at me for buying a ticket. I looked up at the two-headed creature with tears in my eyes and asked, 'Are you... going to make it better? Going to try? Something to look forward to maybe?' It smirked at me and said, 'Oh yeah, shmuck! We're gonna turn up the heat with a GMC Pacer fender bender in like 25 minutes! One take too!'

The movie drags and drags and drags and drags and drags and drags and drags with 'teases' of "The Monster". The monster behind the tree! Oh no! The monster that you just missed by like 2 seconds! Shoot! The monster that throws cars and dumpsters around. Yawn. All the while these meddling dickish Scooby Dud kids are running around aimlessly through dead center super cliche nostalgia crap. Really? We couldn't do better than a generic Star Wars poster on the wall, a Keep on Truckin' bumpersticker, and My Sharona cranking? Seemed like someone googled late-70's pop culture and just picked crap off the first few links. This thing was lazy down to the minorest details.

About an hour and a half in I turned to the gf and asked if she wanted to leave. I was more than willing to bail. She looked at me like, 'Leave? We just drove 40 minutes to Whereverthehell, NH to see this movie you were 'dying' to see...' So we sat there for the full two hours of blank staredom. Afterwards I apologized and tried to explain I thought it would be more realistic! And scary! Like Cloverfield! And she gave me a look like, 'Cloverfield was realistic and scary??'  Compared to this sack of corroded Spam dookie... it really was.

Three Good Things About this Movie

- I always like the dude from Friday Night Lights. What's his face...
- There was one moment of split-second perfection. It involved vomit.
- I laughed pretty hard at the ending because it just so fully embraced its own assness.

Three Bad Things About this Movie

- All that build up? To that monster? Alien Resurrection called...
- The best thing about it was the vomit.
- The whole thing felt like it was written by software.

Anyway, I'm not sure why I felt psyched up about this movie. I'm still a sucker for the 'realistic world' monster situations I guess. But this craptacular nostalgia exploitation film really felt like very rich men showing everyone they can still act like kids. The problem with that is-- there's a way to play pretend that's endearing and funny-- and there's another way that's just embarassing. Guess.