Superman Returns

First off, the dude two seats over from me kept falling asleep and snoring. So annoying! I kept doing things to wake him up. I'd cough loud. I rustle through my bag. I kept dropping the same plastic water bottle over and over again. I'd say loudsoft, 'Ay!' Then pretend I didn't say anything. This dude was out like a light within the first 15 minutes of this flick and he just kept snoring away on and off the whole time. Even when he wasn't snoring I was half-listening to his breathing pattern to see how close he was to snoring again. That's how I was throughout this movie which honestly might have affected my 'enjoyment' level. Snoozy dickhead.

Anyway, here's the basic plot the Super writers finally settled on. Blah blah. We learn Superman banged Lois Lane like five years ago and the next day he left the planet. (That must have been some one night stand. He made up some lame-o excuse then left the Earth! For five years! Talk about your fear of commitment!) Of course, Lex Luthor is out on bail and out of jail and that's the way it goes. (Raah! Cane! Sugar! Cane!) He's nabs a weapon that can kill billions of people too! Wow. You don't say. Shocker. So how's he gonna profit from it? Umm.. by killing billions of people? Especially the people who have all the money? Wha? Umm...Wanna rethink that brainiac? Dr. Evil has better ideas than you! Oh yeah. Blah blah. Lois Lane is hotter than ever and she has some annoying kid and some annoying boyfriend and they both work together annoyingly at an annoying newspaper run by an annoying guy. Superman needs to save the day. The end.

Ok. You want the good news or the bad news first? Bad news? You're that type, huh? Ok. The bad news is this movie is straight-out snoozy chick flick. More a nice date movie than some kickass superhero movie. A healthy chunk of this flick focuses on Superman stalking Lois Lane like some creepy perv. Yeah, you got your Lex  (mis<cough>cast) Luthor-K-Pax-Spacey attempts to hammy ham. But I don't care what anyone says. He's not Lex Luthor! He's Kevin Spacey! Who made that call!? If Nic Cage was Superman then he could have been the right Lex! But Spacey? Really? Spacey didn't give me the Lex I wanted. Only the 'Wronnng!' was right. Other than that I thought he was boring and cold and... spacey. Actually y'know who could have made an interesting Lex?.... Nicholas Cage!

The good news is some of the special effects are pretty coolio to look at. The plane crash is something to say wow to. Some other stuff looked decently expensive. But only a couple shots made me drop my jaw and say, 'Holy gazookas!' Not sure why some of the major effects didn't click in. They looked expensive but not in an inspirefied way. More of a pimp-my-movie-biatch way. Yadda, I did like Parker Posey and it was nice to see her doing thing all big screen. And I thought the kid who played Jimmy Olsen was most dead-on as characters here go. The guy who played Superman worked for me-- even though he's looks like a computer generated Ken doll (who is already typecast 10x worse than Reeve). And I guess I was entertained for the most part. It didn't suck. But everything just smacked of comfortable 'safe betness'.

But after all this time, I wanted some super surprises! Instead of a lazy stroll down memory lane reminding us why we love Superman grabbing me by my face and throwing down a hallway to the unknown? Let some monster robot from another dimension smash a city to pieces while kicking Superman's ass with kryptonite slime bombs! Destroy! Crush! Throw building into other building! Boom! Because frankly, I don't care about Superman and Lois. Will they kiss?!? Will they not kiss?! Bleh! Sure, a side flirty thing is ok where we can all think about Superman super banging Lois and bringing the whole apartment house down- but I don't need the whole high drama love thing when there are cities that need good old fashioned smashing!

Bottom line is. If you're a chick that has dreams of flying with Superman. You'll probably dig this movie. If you're a guy who dreams of flying faster than a speeding bullet right into some evil giant monster's sole eyeball and blasting out the other side covered in eyeball gunk, blue brain and green blood?... Hope for a sequel that has the balls to have some eyeballs.

Three Good Things About this Movie

- The plane crash scene was pretty cool and I took a deep sigh breath and got chills at the end of it.
- I liked the opening credits all retro in space.
- When Superman was in trouble I did feel a little bad for him.

Three Bad Things About this Movie

- All the actors came across as actors and not their characters.
- Superman apparently isn't for the "American Way" anymore...
- It didn't have nearly enough funny or fun.... and took plenty of time underline that fact.

All in all, yeah this movie disappoints jaded pricks like me who like their superheroes flawed and their action balletish rather than just big-- but Superman Returns is ok for a one time viewing. Blah blah. But it really just reminded me how truly good those Spiderman movies really are. Every time Spidey pops up on cable I gotta watch whatever scene is on and say, 'Oh yeah! This movie still holds up! Nice work!' <click>  I think by the time Superman Returns hits cable, I'll be more like, 'Ooof. The older this movie gets... the worse it stinks.' <click>