The Taking of Pelham 123

Warning: This is gonna be really boring. So if you wanna backclick and not get into reading this I'd understand. Go ahead. I won't be offended.

I'm not even in the mood to be typing this so there's no reason for me to hold any grudge against you if you don't wanna read it. I won't even know. Heck, I don't even wanna read it! And I haven't even written it yet! I know what's coming too. It'll be all blah blah blah this movie was lame blah blah blah sorta John Travalta is ridiculous. Blah blah unrealistic and blah blah.

If you're still reading at this point please know that you've probably already read the best part of this review and it's gonna go all downhill from here. Y'know how sometimes you read my reviews and like them and other times you're like 'I don't wanna deal with this'. He writes too much. And he thinks he's funny. This will be the far latter. Because this movay wasn't interesting enough to even warrant a good bad review. A waste of time begot a waste of time. (That's right. I used the word 'begot' and I'm not sure if that's a word. I got a 1010 on my SATs after two tutors. How would I know?! And I'm in such a lazy mood I don't even wanna bother clicking around to look it up. I'd rather gloss over it by acknowledging that I may not be 100% on the exact usage and move on.)

Turn back now! Can't you feel the downward momentum! I'm talking grammar shit! Now I'm about to start the review! Last call! Ok if you must-- you must... here's the review.

I'll try to make it quick cause it's gonna suck...


Not sure how it happened. One minute I was sitting on my couch minding my own business. The next I was at the deli picking up watermelon chunks, sea salt soy crisps (a tongue twister of a snack), a york peppermint patty, and a big water-- to pay to see a movie I probably wouldn't have watched if it was on TV. But I guess I needed outside and so I said screw it. Anyway, I heard this movie was a remake of a 70's "classic". Slowly it seems like all terrible 70's movies are becoming 'classics'. It's a stretch. The truth is most of the cop movies from the 70's are awful and unwatchable. I never heard of Pelham 123 so I have to assume the original probably sucks. I told you to stop reading! I'm in that kind of mood!

This flick was directed by Tony Hawks who has made alot of flicks that look really good-- but secretly suck dog balls. It's almost like he films stuff and then runs it through some highend photoshop filter that adds in blurry freeze frames, action scenes all staggared and shaky, and unnecessary closeups on unnecessary things that turn slowmo slowly. His bag of tricks is old-- but I admit they still work on me on some level. Mainly, the level that distracts me from realizing how much his movies sucks dog balls and how much I'm hating every second of em. Heck it's a struggle just looking at Barbarino Travalta.

Minute 2 of this movie I rolled my eyes at the super high-tech headquarters of NYC Transit. Giant colorful screens surround the walls of the room-- one step shy of Minority Report stuff. Yeah, right. Hi-tech? I bet the MTA headquarters hasn't changed since this movie was made the first time around. And there's Denzel bringing back his Inside Job negotiator shtick (this time less cool, more fat, and less interesting), Barbarino Travalta (I honestly think a better casting would have been Quentin Tarantino), and James Gandolfino (valiantly trying and landing far short of breaking away from his unfortunate Soprano typecasted stugots). The lot of them were running around being unrealistic. Reacting and acting unrealistic. Plus there's a ticking clock of one hour that constantly reminds us that we're watching a stupid movie. Ex. "You have six minutes to leave that building get on a helicopter! Fly to midtown. Head down into this subway tunnel with the money! Or else!!" Six minutes? Can you at least give us 20?

I admit this movie successfully fended off the narcoleptic battle that was going on in my head. Every time I came close to nodding off-- a fancy camera trick or swoop shot would keep my eyes open or some bangy music would jolt my brain. Although the whole thing was complete cheapshot gimmick-- I still fell for it somewhat. Not the plot. Nor the acting. Nor the purpose. Just the vibe. But hopefully, Tony Hawks will get a clue next time-- and not use a script that was dragged dead from a dumpster of crap movies from the 70's and resuscitated so it can run around like a fancy fast zombie before it gets shot in the head and put down for good...

Three Good Things About this Movie

- I sort of liked it although I can't remember why.
- There is something about it that doesn't fail.
- I liked the fancy pants fancepantserie.

Three Bad Things About this Movie

- The plot was so unrealistic that it created its own reality of ridonkulous unrealism.
- More often than not I felt my brain getting more stupider from the exposure.
- Barbarino Travalta amazingly still hasn't overstayed his welcome.

All in all, this is a cable movie that you can start watching in the middle and shut off before the end. You'll get the gist within 20 minutes. You'll know where its going and what's going to happen and how it'll all go. (I know there are better movays to see and I'll try to see one this weekend). This flick just happened to be playing at the exact perfect time when I was in the exact perfect mood for some trash that sucks dog balls. And if that kind of moment isn't the moment you're in when you settle in to watch this movie--- watch something else.