The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1

I've seen all the Twilight movies. At some point over the summer the gf and I decided we were going in on Twilight. Get em over with. And through one long weekend we watched all three movies in a row. Like junkies. And liked watching all of them. I thought they were funny. I liked the goofy fake high school vibe. The forced tensions. Everyone staring at each other angry or wanting or hungry or whatever. I liked the idea that if some kid asked me if I was "Team Jacob" or "Team Edgar"-- I would know who they're talking about. And of course it was ridiculous every time what's his face ripped off his shirt off and went running off into the woods psycho style.

We ate up these three films goofball style. The terrible acting. The sort of nonsensical plot twists. The uncontrollable blood-thirst moments. The 'mystery'. The families. The cheesy special effects during transformations. And the nonstop fighting over this one ridiculously unimpressive chick. We sat there laughing and goofing on these movies while snacking away.

So when my nephews came to town this weekend and we were deciding on a movie-- I saw an opportunity to see a new Twilight movie in the theater. It was either Twilight or friggin Hugo-- (and I don't know what went wrong with Hugo, but that movie just dint look right to them-- at all. They'd rather go see The Descendents because George Clooney running around in flip flops looked like more fun than some 3D kid living in a clock or whatever). Anyway, they were semi-psyched for Twilight. They'd seen all the movies but made it clear-- Twilight is for girls. I made it clear I agreed.

The four of us loaded up on blue slushees and popcorn and junior mints and settled in to seats near the back of a crowded local theater. Before previews started, a Mom with three kids and a friggin 1-year old take up the row behind us. She starts whisper/yelling at the kids right away. Semi-threatening them and stuff. I was like, 'Oh no, not a crazy family!! Right behind us! Whisper yelling all over our Twilight night! Mom saying stuff like,' I told you don't make me make you shut up. Don't test me... Don't test me..

 Seems like super-Mom dragged em all out so she could get her girl fix. Way to Mom, Mom. Then ten minutes into the movie, the little one sneezed twice all over the back of my bald head.Up close.  Super gross super slobbery snot style. So wet. So very disgustingly wet. On my back of the head skin. I put up my hood to prevent future sneezes. Unfortunately the whole scene was an un-shushable situation. It was too over the top and I felt bad for the kids. One kid was doing a 'La la la la la! Ya ya ya ya!' during the movie. He didn't get shushed though. Nonsense noise was apparently permitted. Anyway, eventually they left or were thrown out. I couldn't tell what happened. There was yelling in the lobby though. It was nice when they were gone-- but I soon missed the distraction -- because I was now forced to focus on this torturous C-movie.

I soon realized my enthusiasm for Twilight was a total miscalculation. Uch. I sat watching this bland american cheese product (admittedly it is from time to time impressively strange) -- and I realized I had made a horrible mistake. I had forgotten the absolutely necessary key element I had while watching the other Twilight movies! The thing that made them fun for me! Talking! In the theater we couldn't talk! We couldn't goof on it like we do at home! We had to sit there and just stare at it! Like an actual real-life movie! No pause! No rewind to point out something extra stupid! No making fun. Just... watch it. Cold. Bludgeoning.

Every funny remark or joke that would pop into my head-- I'd have to catch and release to the ether. Real winners I just had to let float through my head and out the window. It hurt my brain to watch something that deserves to be mocked to it's face--- and not be able to give it the business right then and there. And, I had baby snot all over the back of my head.

Three Good Things About this Movie

- I still laughed out loud at some stuff. The 'sex' scene etc.
- The part when all the werewolves are talking is friggin surreally nuts.
- I guess there was a certain creep factor to her belly.

 Three Bad Things About this Movie

- The acting felt like it was all 'one take'.
- It sort of ruined all future DVD fun with this series.
- Anyone who is still Team Jacob is a sucker.

All in all, I never had the experience of being a 14-year old girl so there is no outlet for my brain to plug into a movie like this. It is interesting to realize why Twilight works so well-- (because it stabbed and exploited the prime vein of teenage girl fantasy -- having a hunking muscle man animal guy (in love) and smooth rich dark soul guy (in love) fight to win their heart.) But whatever love sorcery is in those books or these movies-- just doesn't apply to me. The magical impact is as strong as someone blowing a handful of sparkle in my face and then slapping my butt.