Walk the Line
WARNING:
I got a bunch of emails calling me a jerk for writing such a dopey review for a movie that touched alot of people and others thought it was really great. So I'm warning you if you really liked the movie alot you probably will be annoyed or outraged apparently alot by what I done wrote here.
Sincere sorry to offend people by going all extra stupido with this non-review. I thought it was being funny but apparently I'm alone on this one...
Here's a review sent in by Janet that may do the job better...
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Here's how this movie got made:
Joqueen Phoenix phones his agent.
(ring)
Agent: Talk to me.
Joqueen: Hey!
Agent: Hey Joqueen.
Joqueen: How'd you know it was me?
Agent: Caller ID!
Joqueen: I am Joqueen Phoenix.
Agent: ... great. What's up?
Joqueen: You know who Johnny Cash is?
Agent: He's like Eddie Money but different?
Joqueen: Yeah! Check this out... (sings) I keep a close watch on this heart of mine... I keep my eyes wide open all the time...
Agent: Hey! That's not bad!
Joqueen: Cool. Right? I've been listening to that song for 12 hours straight.
Agent: Great!
Joqueen: It's a good song.
Agent: Umm. Ok...
Joqueen: I think I should play Johnny Cash in a movie!
Agent: Sounds great!
Joqueen: Get this... think about it... Johnny Cash Saves Mars.
Agent: Umm... sounds... um....
Joqueen: See it's like this. I've thought it all out. Some psychic with a Ouija board gets in touch with Johnny Cash, right?
Agent: Uh huh.
Joqueen: And Johnny Cash is riding a horse with golden wings communicating with a headset thing, right?
Agent: Ok...
Joqueen: Do you know what a headset is?
Agent: I'm wearing one.
Joqueen: Cool! And the psychic is like an interplanetary psychic and she knows Mars is in trouble.
Agent: Hey! Maybe Kathy Bates could play the psychic...
Joqueen: Is she Roseanne?
Agent: Who?
Joqueen: Kathy... Roseanne.
Agent: No umm.. Kathy Bates is umm.. Kathy Bates. Roseanne... isn't.... and Kathy Roseanne is neither.
Joqueen: Good.
Agent: So umm.. anyway...
Joqueen: Anyway, what?
Agent: So about Johnny Cash...
Joqueen (mumbles) Because you're mine... I walk the line....
Agent: Hello?
Joqueen: Hello. Who's this?
Agent: Me.
Joqueen: Who's me?
Agent: I'm me!
Joqueen: I know that! I meant me me not you me. Who's me??
Agent: I'm me! You're you! You're your me!
Joqueen: I see...
Agent: You called me about... Johnny Cash saving Mars.
Joqueen: Oh yeah! BLAM! He rides a horse with golden wings and BLAM! flies through a wormhole...BLAM! Saves mars!
Agent: I love it! Studios love CGI stuff.
Joqueen: CSI.
Agent: What about CSI?
Joqueen: I don't do TV. I'm a big movie star. I wanna play Johnny Cash and I wanna ride a horse with golden wings and save Mars. BLAM!
Agent: Works for me. Let's conference in the studio.
(Agent conferences in the studio. someone picks up. circus music is playing in the background.)
Studio Guy: Ok...here's the deal. I'll meet you at In & Out at 7PM and make sure it's pure. No baby aspirin crap.
Agent: Hello?
Studio Guy: Umm.. hello?
Agent: This is Joqueen Phoenix's agent. I have Joqueen on the line.
Studio Guy: Sorry I got the lines mixed up. What's up?
Agent: Joqueen wants to play Johnny Cash in a movie.
Joqueen: Yeah! BLAM! Golden Wings! And horse! Save mars! BLAM!
Studio Guy: Sounds great! Wait... Is Johnny Cash that guy who sells rotisserie thing on TV?
Agent: I think that's Ron Popeil.
Studio Guy: Right... hold on one sec...
(clicks the phone)
Studio Guy (whispery): Listen, I got someone on the other line. But we good for 7 at In & Out? I want to have a blizzard party tonite with my bitches...
Agent: It's still us.
Studio Guy: Shoot. Ok whatever. So yeah you wanted to make an infomercial about what?
Joqueen: BLAM! Right through the wormhole! On a winged horse from heaven! Johnny Cash saves Mars! BLAM!
Agent: Yeah it's like that. Blam.
Studio Guy: I think I heard that something like that pitch just the other day.
Agent: Yeah from us. But it wasn't Johnny Cash... Joqueen wanted to do it as Luther Vandross. What was that one called?
Joqueen: Luther Vandross Saves Mars! BLAM!
Studio Guy: Right.
Agent: Right. But this time it's Johnny Cash... check this out. Joqueen give em a taste.
Joqueen: (sings) My girl likes to party all the time... party all the time... party all the timmmee...
Studio Guy: Mine too!
Agent: So we good to go here?
Joqueen: I want BLAM! as my co-star.
Studio Guy: I think BLAM! is available.
Joqueen: And we can do sequels. Save Mercury... BLAM! Pluto... BLAM!
Studio Guy: Yes! BLAM!
Agent: BLAM!
Joqueen: BLAM BLAM!
Studio Guy: Done deal.
Agent: Swish!
Joqueen: It can be an Xbox game called BLAM!
(click. Joqueen hangs up)
Agent: Is he off?
Studio Guy: Yeah.
Jesus. Is that guy fried out or what?
Studio Guy: Totally. Holy f**knuts.
Agent: So see you at In & Out at 7?
Studio Guy: Bring the snow, snowman.
Agent: Done.
(click)
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Three Good Things About this Movie
- It gave me new found respect for the Man in Black.
- Joqueen played Cash intensely well although overly creepy or something. Reese was one upped him.
- Every other concert scene gave me smiles or chills.
Three Bad Things About this Movie
- Biopics have an unavoidable semi-flatness to them.
- It felt scrubbed clean.
- It seemed like his first wife got a bad rap for the sake of drama.
All in all I'd say this movie was really pretty good. Better than I expected on all levels. It was better than Ray for sure (I saw Ray on DVD and I thought it was dorky and amateur hour tv movie-ish.) I really liked watching this movie through and through. It kept me wide awake and entertained. It was coolio seeing Cash in that moment in time country music-wise along with Elvis and Jerry Lee and all that. And I like Cash's music. Yadda yadda.
But bottom line, it's very polished, entertaining, longshot oscar nomination (10-1) worthy, but ultimately high end fast food cinema. Something that will do the job enough to make you go home and steal some Cash music off the net and sing along to it with your best Johnny Cash voice for a half-hour or so.