November 03 2011

My Wallet’s Gone and I Ain’t Doing Nuttin About It! So There!

Yay! It’s that time of year again! Lost wallet time! (Actually it’s probably every other year or something– but anyway, my wallet’s gone).

I cleaned the apartment from top to bottom yesterday and when I was reorganizing stuff I noticed I hadn’t seen my wallet around lately. I may have lost it outside the other night or thrown it out by accident during cleaning or who the hell knows– but I do suspect it’s still in the apartment somewhere. It must be. It’s actually kind of hard to lose a wallet permanently.

So I’m NOT cancelling any credit cards. I’m not replacing anything. I’m betting it’ll turn up in a few days. If I lost it outside, I think more often than not the wallet finder isn’t a ‘thief’. Actually I’m willing to bet that 75% of lost wallets actually get returned. Maybe even higher. I’ve returned a few over the years. Got a nice bottle of wine for the effort once.

The idea that the finder of my wallet is gonna go on a crazy shopping spree is pretty slim and low threat. I mean even if the wallet finder did– I’m sure I could get the credit card companies to remove the charges no problem.

So I’m feeling I’m gonna let the dice roll in that regard in the hopes that it will turn up. I can cancel them in a few days if need be. I think people usually jump the gun when it comes to paranoid cancellation. I say relax. Use the lost wallet as an excuse for people to buy you drinks or dinner or something. Don’t just waste an uncomfortable situation…

In the meantime I admit I am starting to make basic preparations that my wallet will need to be replaced– so I was just poking around to find a new wallet suits me. It’s easier said than done… First off, I don’t like any particular brand stamped on the face of my wallet all bold. I don’t really identify with a wallet ‘brand’. I don’t like metallic plates or colorful logos. Am I a Kenneth Cole guy? Tommy Hilfiger? Why should MY wallet have someone else’s name on it?

But while shopping around on the net almost every wallet I find is bragging in my face about where it’s from– and I think a prominently branded wallet is for girls only. Unfortunately, non-branded wallets tend to be extra bulky. Trifold or 1000 credit card deep, or unnecessary flip out flap for FBI ID. I’m not a Costanza wallet guy. I like my wallets to be pancake flat…

I don’t like the ridiculous JCrew flip around magic trick stupidness. I saw there’s stainless steel wallets now that seem kinda coolio– but why would I want that? I don’t like money clips (they strike me as arrogant) or wallets that hold no money (only cards? why?). I just want a basic friggin flat wallet and they’re simply harder to find then you’d think!

So I started dabbling in the idea of a novelty wallet. Star Wars or Duct Tape Subway Map– but I guess I’m feeling my age a little with jokey style wallet (although this Green Lantern wallet looks cool to me!

…but I’m not into Green Lantern– and it would be weird every time someone asked me if I liked Green Lantern because of my wallet for me to say, ‘No, I think Green Lantern sucks. I just like his wallet).

Anyway, I’m just hoping my old wallet comes back by the end of the week so I don’t have to think about it anymore. Unbranded. Black leather. Flat. With all my stuff inside. Boom done.

(And yes, I do realize the level of irresponsibility that comes along with losing my wallet and being primarily concerned about replacing the wallet itself– rather than what’s in it…)

It’ll be back tho. It’s probably in the couch. Not under the cushion all obvious…. like wedged in the back back of it. Tucked in deep. That’s where I’d be if I was a lost wallet. I should check.

ok bye!


R&N says:

I bet yoru wallet is still in the apartment. I had the same situation – only with my watch.

Anonymous says:


Anonymous says:


Angry Man says:

Idiots like you make me feel better about idiots like me

Krankor says:

My lost wallet was returned to me once through the mail – missing the $300 cash that was in it! Everything else was there, but jeez!

Amy says:

It’s called identity theft and it happened to my sister Once that happens you can never shake it off. CANCEL them TODD!!

Solomon Grundy says:

Green Lantern no suck. Movie suck.

Coley says:

I think everyone has a certain particular thing they “must” have for their wallet. I, for example, have to check and make sure my whole license shows (most of them cover the date of birth on mine) so I don’t have to maneuver the thing when I get carded (yes, I still get carded). My wallet also has to be able to hold dollar bills flat (none of that folding mess for me), hold checks, and hold my R2-D2 phone. I hate carrying a purse, but for some reason I have no problem carrying my giant wallet 🙂 Good luck finding your wallet!

the REAL weeze says:

That may be unfortunate, Todd, but all that really matters to me is that I have a fresh opportunity to tell your fans that I am first. I’ll be back in a few to do just that.

Anonymous says:

“Actually I’m willing to bet that 75% of lost wallets actually get returned. Maybe even higher.”

Your optimistic view of the human race is encouraging.

Naive, perhaps; even a little frightening, but encouraging.

Yellowdog says:

On a vacation in Mexico I once misplaced my wallet in my hotel room. It actually wedged itself into a hard-to-reach spot in the room safe, of all places, and I just repeatedly missed it.

But it being Mexico and all, and me with my head full of tourist-robbing horror stories, I panicked and started a 2-hour long distance cell phone odyssey of canceling everything in the wallet. I also reported the theft to hotel management, probably while looking all suspicious at everyone.

Then I found it. What an idiot.

Jbone says:

Pretty good chance it was lifted. It is hard to lose a wallet in an apartment.

If it was lifted, it is best you call your CC company. Heck, just check your balance online. If it was lifted it will already be loaded.

My mom had hers lifted at Office Depot a few months back and just a few hours later they had already put 10k on the card at Walmart.

Anonymous says:

Ummm… how well do you REALLY know your girlfriend? Any klepto or schizo issues in her past? Just checking.

Angry Man says:

Above comment was not thereal Angry Man. Only I have the true Anger.

Anonymous says:

One time someone broke into my locker, went through my stuff, found my wallet, took out $1, and left everything else. All that effort for a dollar. Joke was on them!

hebba says:

Cancell everything immediately! I had my wallet stolen and somebody opend a bank account in my name and then wrote $30,000 (yes, thirty THOUSAND) of bounced checks in one week. No, I wasn’t responsible for the bounced checks (or the 7 grand in purchases that were made within 2 hours of taking my purse) but its a giant pain in the butt!
Maybe most people are honest and most thieves are only after the cash, but there is a very small but destructive minority out there! Protect yourself

Jenna in Jerz says:

If you lost your wallet, then chances are pretty good that someone will find it and return it. How noble. Since you don’t know where it is, there’s still the chance that someone “liberated” your wallet from your possession, and if that’s the case, you’re pretty much screwed. A thief is not going to return your crap. Then you should worry… especially if you’ve got a Visa/Mastercard logo on your debit card. I’d suggest you cancel your cards if you don’t find it within a few days. I’ve gotten the shaft a few times on my credit cards, and it sucks to file all the papers if it was stolen and used. BTW, the thief who took my crap bought GUNS with my cards at $500 a pop and used my ID.

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