February 06 2013

Honeymoon Tripping: Part XII

We woke up on a drizzly Monday morning psyched we each had something to do. I arranged to scuba dive and the wife scheduled a massage/manicure situation at the ‘spa’. We agree to meet by the pool when we’re done.

I show up at the diving shack at 10AM and meet Phillipe Pierre or Jacques Francoise or Jacques Phillipe or something. Whatever. A French frogman. My dive guide. He didn’t seem all that happy to be taking only one tourist out. I’m thinking when it’s not the rainy season he probably brings em out by the boatload. But on this rainy Monday it was just me and him.

I told him I’d only been diving once before like 20 years ago in Barbados but back then it was just some rummy guy who only went down like 10 feet. He whatevers my story and hands me a damp wetsuit (short pants) and tells me to try it on. I ask him if I should wear my bathing suit underneath and he tells me I can do what I want.

I decided to keep my red baggy bathing suit on because I didn’t like the idea that I’d be laying my naked nuts down in some “wet” suit where some dude the day before had his naked nuts and since he did that it’s just been hung up damp all stray pubes or whatever hanging out ew.

I start pulling the wetsuit on over my swim suit but the frenchman just stripped off his shorts and underwear and changed directly in front of me. All naked out and everything. Full blast dick out. Manly locker room style. I felt like a dork tucking my bunchy bathing suit down into my wetsuit. Like the kid in elementary school who tucked his shirt into his underwear.

We head out in his boat to the reef and he tells me how the dive is going to go. He goes over the rules. The hand signals. How to de-pressurize your ears. He said we’d be going down like 20-25 feet which actually seemed like alot. Like, “If I freak out will I be able to get to the surface without drowning out or getting the bends or whatever?” alot.

We drop anchor. Strap on our tanks. Jump in the water. And I test my breathing thing. It seemed to be working okay. Seemed like air. Sorta. Felt weird. Mask seemed tight. The sea was kind of rough too due to all the rain. He reminds me of our hand signals. Thumbs up is head to the surface. Thumbs down is descend. Okay is index thumb circle.

As we’re half way down the rope he gives me the Okay? sign. I give him a thumbs up. Then I remember thumbs up means go up and I change that to the okay signal. He rolled his eyes. I was nervous.

I had to keep popping my ears from the increase in pressure. One of them didn’t want to pop. Half-wawy down the rope I was sure it was gonna blow out my ear drum. I felt like I couldn’t breathe either like I wasn’t getting enough air or too much air. We kept going deeper. I couldn’t even see the roof of the ocean anymore. I honestly felt like I was going to have a full on panic attack. Double thumbs up style.

But then I concentrated on my breathing. My ear popped okay. I calmed down. And we started swimming around in this reef that was friggin unbelievable. Like a giant cavern or cave of a reef. Gigantic. I saw colorful fishies! Turtles! Like from Nemo! All sorts of weirdo creatures! Schools of em! A squid! Colorful coral! It was like landing on another planet.

We stayed down there for like 45 minutes. Whenever there was something to see up close, the frenchmen would pull me over and point at it. He was like an excellent guide who kept checking on me and all that. When all the fish were around me I felt like a fish god. I was like, ‘I am your fish god now! Fish bitches! Captain Cook never saw nuttin like this!’

When we followed the rope back up to the surface I was kind of bummed. I could have spent all day down there — and I was finally getting the hang of not flailing around like a dork whenever I tried to just swim in place. I felt all adrenaline-ized. All manly for doing something that was risky! Shark infested waters! Reef diver! Me!

When we got back on the boat the frenchmen gave me a few cookies. We ate cookies and I talked about how awesome it was. He seemed whatevery sorta. Been there done that. He’s probably friggin swum up in a whale’s butt in the Andes Mountains or whatever. This was probably like not a big deal I’m sure.

But I was jazzed. I got back to the pool and waited for the wife to get back. I was excited to brag about how I risked my life to look at a turtle. How I was sure there were sharks nearby. How I controlled my panic attack.

I ordered a beer at the pool bar and toasted myself and my greatness. A true adventurer! Excited to tell my story. And excited to hear about her relaxing spa time.

But when the wife got back to the pool we were on two different pages. While my Scuba adventure went off without a hitch… the wife didn’t describe the spa treatment as ‘relaxing’ — she said it was more like ‘traumatizing…’

Apparently, the masseuse wasn’t like a “real” masseuse. More like the woman who worked at the hotel who kind of volunteered. She may have been one of the waitresses. Long story short. The wife felt way too naked. And like she got a full on bare butt massage. Then flipped over without the proper decent discreet sheet shield. Boobs out. No coverage. Then her boobs were slapped at with some oils and then she had her whole belly area massaged which seemed weird. There was no deep massage. Mainly an hour of oil slaps and finger drumming and stuff.

When the massage trauma was over, she got some sort of mask put over her eyes and experienced the manicure in the dark. It was unrelaxing throughout. She was laughing about it but she definitely seemed kind of stunned by it all. Btw the spa treatment was double the cost of my dive too.

We spent the rest of the day avoiding the rain and getting psyched up that we had only one more day of our honeymoon. And wondering what the ‘Tuesday Night Entertainment’ was going to be all about…


The Brain says:


Jean_Phx says:

Cool – we’ll keep waiting!

Noob says:

I’m still wondering if Todd ever made it out alive.

Hong Kong City Slicker says:

Of course Todd made it. Todd’s a bad ass!

April Fools says:

At this rate, the story will be over around April 1, and Todd can then say ‘April Fools! I never really went on the honeymoon and never got married’. Then we all can breathe a sigh of relief to know that Todd is still the oddity we know him to be.

Bulma Briefs says:

Oh really…

Anonymous says:

When does the Zombie Apocolypse happen?

Bulma Briefs says:

Are you really this stupid?

Anonymous says:

These interwebs are so complicated with all these wires and tubes and face-twittering. I’m exhausted with all the surfing I’ve done today.But it’s worth it ’cause Todd is more funnier than Honey Boo Boo!

Nina Yu says:

Why is that show still on the air?

Anonymous says:

“Are you really this stupid?”

I see the Zombies already ate YOUR brain…

Krankor says:

When does the creepy Perv Guy show up? Maybe he is the Tuesday evening entertainment.

Concerned Pervert says:

You’ll be hearing about MY adventures tomorrow.

Mika Tan says:

Please do…

Oop Aack says:

Take a three day weekend to the Poconos. Get the room with the Champagne Glass bathtub and redo your Honeymoon. Niagra Falls is good too. Doo all the sappy honeymoon stuff and really go at it. You deserve it after this shitshow.

Brandon says:

Come to Niagara Falls, Todd! That’s where I live! I can give your wife a free ‘massage’.

Wang Wei says:

Nothing but a bunch of perverts and losers hang around this place. My hatred for all of you cannot be described.

Wang Wei's Canadian Girlfriend says:

But, I love you long time, Wang Wei!

Jean_Phx says:

Diving sounds wonderful. Sorry about the wife’s massage – but I do like the idea that they sent the waitress over to do it! 🙂

Concerned Pervert says:

Was it the “Flowy Dress Waitress”?

Lover says:

I love this story and I love Todd!!!

Anonymous says:

Anyone else turned on by the massage story?

Wang Wei says:

You need to turn yourself in to the police as soon as possible.

Anonymous says:

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klobster says:

Never stop telling this story.

Anonymous says:

“Full blast dick out”. Tremendous.

Anonymous says:

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angry man says:

he never said it was tremendous rofl

ALON says:

I thought maybe you were gonna have an “Along Came Polly” situation with you French dive dude!

Anonymous says:

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Wang Wei says:

So…Erin was molested?

Joe says:

Erin was not molested, geez! She was probably given a massage from one of those ‘Happy Ending’ masseuses who is used to doing only guys. The masseuse did the best she could under the conditions.

If I was asked to massage your girlfriend, since I’m not trained properly, I’d go right for the boobage.

Anonymous says:

Fap fap fap fap fap fap fapfapfap FAPFAPFAPFAPFAAAAP SPLATSPLATSPLATSPLAT splat splat splat splaaat splaaaaat splaaaaaaaat…….

Anonymous says:


Wang Wei says:

Good point.

Wang Wei says:

Let’s see how this final party is going to turn out.

Brandon says:

I feel bad for Todd. He goes to all the trouble of writing this whole story and his thanks is one idiot with the emotional age of 14 makes dozens of posts under a bunch of names. The names change but the same mental illness and “I just hit puberty” attempts at humor are all the same. I would tell you to go do your homework but we both know you have been expelled for the rest of the year and the very best you can hope for in life is to be shift leader at a fast food joint.

Brandon says:

…and, as if there were any doubt, I, Brandon, am the idiot with the emotional age of 14 who makes dozens of posts under a bunch of names. My names change but my same mental illness and “I just hit puberty” attempts at humor are all the same. I would go do my homework but we all know I have been expelled for the rest of the year and the very best I can hope for in life is to be shit leader at a fast food joint.

Wang Wei says:

Get a room you two!

Sh!tForBra!ns says:

Hmm… obviously the “massage” costs twice as much as the scuba because they normally include “happy ending” handjobs for the male customers that get them.

Sooo… that means your BRIDE has been fondled by a WHORE. I recommend testing ASAP for STD’s.

Even I know that and I have, well, sh!t for bra!ns.

Brandon says:

Just shut up for a while.

Sh!tForBra!ns says:

Set the example, fucktard. No wonder you got your ass kicked every day in school. Putting you into a coma was probably the only way to get you to shut the fuck up.

Brandon says:

Never happened…ever.

Sh!tForBra!ns says:

Every time you open your piehole it sounds more and more believable.

Brandon says:

Every time you squat down and drop a new post out of your ass, you sound every bit the deranged idiot you always have.

Genius says:

Dear Todd, I’ve thought of a million dollar idea for you. You need to start a kickstarter where you go on vacation and then make hilarious articles/cartoons about it. You can put me down for $100.

You’re welcome.

admin says:

I like it!!!

Small Business Guy says:

Do it Todd.

This will make up for that cartoon series that cable network failed to pick up.

Wang Wei says:

Bring on Part XIII.

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