August 03 2010

Sunglass-less Baldie Bald

I haven’t owned a pair of sunglasses in years.

Reason #1 is probably because I wear regular prescription glasses and without question if I got prescription sunglasses I would lose them inside of six weeks. They’d vanish. Left on some bar or in someone’s car or something.

Reason #2 is because I’m bald. And I feel weird wearing sunglasses. I’m not sure what it is but I think bald guys look strange with sunglasses. Maybe not all bald guys do– but I think me for sure. (I look strange in most things in general so that probably doesn’t help).

But like, if I wear sunglasses I think I look like a cop. Or some sort of robot cyborg or something. They’re so full blast on my face front and center. When you have hair I think sunglasses are like an accessory but when you’re bald it’s the main event. It’s a statement that says ‘I’m wearing these sunglasses! Right now! Right in your face! Deal with it!’ Unless you’re goateeing or earringing or whatever– glasses are the only other thing going on face-wise for bald guys. So whatever sunglasses I’d wear I think would be amplified in terms of statement just by default.

But the other thing (on a semi-side note) is I’m half-convinced that sunglasses are 80% unnecessary half the time. Unless you’re at the beach or live in Arizona or like have to deal with lots of snow somewhere– do sunglasses really do all that much? I’m thinking most of the time people wear sunglasses just to look cool. To mix it up. Which is totally fine. But realistically the sun isn’t all that bad unless you’re staring right friggin at it. I mean my eyeballs ain’t fried out yet and I haven’t worn sunglasses in years.

Which is another reason why I’m sunglass-less right now. Because sunglasses for most people are just for the cool star power factor– and for me I think they just makes me look like a narc– or maybe robot face? Or robot faced narc? Or robot faced cyborg narc with laser eyes? Or something?

Maybe I’m over thinking or I’ve just never tried on sunglasses that fit my face and head. I mean sunglasses look best on big bald melonheads? If any?

ok bye!


Anonymous says:

I never thought bald people looked strange in sunglasses. If you want to wear em then wear em. I only wear them because sometimes when I think about the sun being bright in my eyes I somehow mentally make myself believe that the sun is to bright and I start to tear up and can’t friggin keep my eyes open without the sunglasses. So, your not the only weirdo either.

Fashionista says:

Two words: “Telly Savalas”.

stef says:

whenever I imagine a bald dude in sunglasses, I admit I just end up thinking of morpheus. but really, todd, I expect if you got the right sunglasses it’d be fine. maybe raybans. something to keep in mind if you ever go blind.

Pink says:

I think you should do whatever makes you happy. I don’t think bald guys look weird wearing sunglasses. Maybe you could try wearing contacts and then that way you could just get some cheap sunglasses and if you lost them, oh well. I don’t wear sunglasses to look cool, lol. I wear sunglasses so the sun doesn’t blind me when I am driving. 🙂

Z says:

I don’t wear sunglasses either. I think they do help with the sun glare in your eyes, but I lost my clip-ons a few years ago.

Anyway, tOdd… when are you going to let me visit in NYC? I am going on another Southern Circuit Tour this winter (most likely) and I think you should prioritize that.

Keep up the good work and may God grant you more important material, like the Yankees post.

Love, Z

preacher says:

Vanity of vanities, says Qoheleth, vanity of vanities! All things are vanity!

Two posts in a row about not liking your look.

GOD says:


STFU preacher!!

Dana says:

I never really understood the big dealio about sunglasses either. My dad will never, ever drive anywhere without ’em though. BUT, my mom had a revelation. He’s 48 and doesn’t even have the sightest hint of crow’s feet by his eyes, and my mom thinks its because he always wears his sunglasses so he never squints. soooo, now I wear my sunglasses religiously, in hopes of avoiding crow’s feet.

Rae says:

I love the thoughts that go on in your head, tOdd. Thanks for sharing them with us.

By the way, I’ve come to realize that bald guys (the ones who are completely bald, not the ones who cling to that last bit of hair around the back of their head and do the combover) are pretty sexy. So, wear sunglasses or don’t, but I bet you’d look good either way.

WTF!?!?!?!? says:

OK, shorts, shoes, socks and now sunglasses? Are we working our way around the alphabet and got stock on “S”?!??!?!?

Krankor says:

Get the glasses that have regular lenses and then have the flip up sunglass lenses. Kind of a cool retro/industrial look. I think Tommy Lee Jones wore some in “No Country For Old Men”.

Anyway, I like them. I’m probably the only one who does. However, this is coming from someone who doesn’t wear glasses or contacts of any kind.


Ray Charles says:

I had some cool sunglasses.

Anonymous says:

Sunglasses are fine. Piercings, hat and sunglasses? No – you’ve crossed into too many cranium accessories.

RIP Hedberg.

Yellowdog says:

We get a lot of sun in Colorado so it’s almost expected that you wear sunglasses here. I’ve tried driving or walking around without them when it’s bright out and it gets a little irritating and painful, because you unconsciously start to squint, and then your squint muscles get achy.

The first time I went to England I was so used to wearing sunglasses that I wore them walking around London on a sunny day, and then I noticed that I was pretty much the only one wearing sunglasses, and so I took them off, and never wore them in England again, and it was okay. The light is gentler there or something.

I know: Cool story, bro!

JJ in Venice says:

You’re thinking about this way too much. If you squint a lot when you go outside because it’s too bright, you need sunglasses. Or if you’re going for a particular look. If you don’t have either of those two needs, don’t worry about it. I live in LA. They’re a required piece of the LA uniform. Gotta have ’em so you don’t make eye contact with anybody.

Anonymous says:

Bob in Peru

Sunglasses help prevent cataracts. Get Transition lenses for your prescription glasses. You’ll love ’em.

The Ghost of Nothing says:




Oh Todd….why don’t you make the wonderful cartoons that has put a smile on the faces of so many?



Observation says:

Bald black people always look cool with sunglasses on

Anonymous says:

“The Man With No Eyes” in Cool Hand Luke was one bad dude.

Lynnsay aka Jennifer from Canada says:

Transition lenses are the best damn thing since white sliced bread for glasses-wearers! Consider getting them the next time you get new a new pair…you won’t regret it!

There is only one thing that bald guys do that I really hate, it’s grow facial hair. What the hell is it about the goatee/beard/soul patch? It’s disgusting! It’s like they are trying to prove something….uhh well I can’t grow it on my head but lookit my whole face full of it! SHAVE IT OFF YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS!

LeFreek says:

Fuck you a**hole I like my sunglasses bald prick!

Anonymous says:

Wow, LaFreek, that was very insightful. Moron.

yo says:

robot faced cyborg narc with laser eyes = pure win. If you can pull it of go for it.

Mr Bill says:

Get contacts, doof. If you’ve worn glasses your whole life you won’t believe what you’ve been missing. I only wear glasses near bedtime after I take them out or if I have to wake up early. Best part is cheap sunglasses.

Jane says:

Todd, don’t you know any women? What am I saying, you’re Todd. Women are throwing themselves at you. Why don’t you try talking to them about this stuff during that cozy, sleepy post-coital time?

Anyway, they’ll give you the same standard answer as your message boards:
1. Thanks for being vulnerable because it makes us feel better about our vulnerabilities.
2. You’re cute.
3. Insert teasing/joking/trash talk here.
4. Yes, you’ll look great in sunglasses. (Or, more generically, “No need to feel insecure about perceived problem X.”)

I would tell you to keep repeating that to yourself, but I’m hoping for more posts like this.

cb1 says:

1. transitions lenses are awful, dont waste your time with them.

2. when i think of bald dudes with sunglasses, i think of Jay Buhner, who totally rocks!

MsM says:

Some women actually LIKE the macho cop look. (Well apparently some kinds of men do too) I wear sun glasses whenever it is sunny. I don’t want to have to deal with cataracts. If it helps me not get wrinkles too, well double win. Right now I am off to look for a cute bald guy with sunglasses….

Anonymous says:

Absolutely Unsupported Fact of the Day: Seattlites buy the most sunglasses per person because they get so little sunshine and only use’em for those few days of sunniness.* Then, of course, they lose’em.

True or not, it makes for good bar jibber-jabber.

*told to me by a Seattle native who describes herself as a “font of useless knowledge.”

Nick says:

Up here in Alaska on cloudless winter days, the sun reflects up off the snow into your eyes, prolonged exposure to this can make you go blind.

Squinty says:

People with blue eyes like myself need sunglasses because our eyes are more sensitive to the sunlight.

Robert says:

Transition lenses work great for me. The only issue is that many windshields already block a lot of UV, so they won’t stay dark while driving.

I bet you wish george bush was still president now

[…] Anyway, I decided if my eyes were really too weak to pass– I’d just do it up right then and there buy new lenses from Pearl. Maybe poke around with sunglasses too and see if any looked decent on my bald head and all that… […]

Ash-lay says:

I live in the West where it’s hot, sunny, and bright- like 100% of the time, so I need sunglasses. I have found they are also effective at:

– hiding the fact that I’m not wearing makeup at that moment
– keep hair out of my face- a dual-use headband of sorts. (sorry to rub that one in, Todd)
– hide the fact I’m staring at someone, or rolling my eyes at boring people.

I don’t think that bald guys with sunglasses look peculiar, though. They’re sunglasses! To keep you from squinting in bright sunlight? I don’t get expensive ones- ever. $5 at Target- most I’m willing to spend. Because I do lose them all the time.

aparadekto says:

Hey, I can’t view your site properly within Opera, I actually hope you look into fixing this.

Have a website? Wanna be featured below? Send me a banner 364x40! 100% Free!