May 23 2010

The Bold Carrot Decision

So the other day I was at the Farmer’s Market buying up stuff. And one of the things I picked up was a big bunch of carrots. A dozen or so carrots with the green fro tops and everything! The carrots had caked dirt on them too! Farmer style! Full blast nature!

I was psyched for these super fresh carrots. I’m sort of burnt out on the bags of mini-carrots. They don’t taste right anymore. They sorta seem coated with slime and there’s a tang of bleach on em or something. They used to be ok but recently they’ve gone wrong. Plus, I always resent the sneaky orange stripes on the plastic bag they come in. The sneaky stripes make it look like the carrots are more orange than they are. Bullshit shenangigans! Next time you pick up a bag of a carrots look at the sneaky fake stripes! Sneaky fake stripes!!! You can’t fool me you carrot f-ckface a-holes motherf-ckers!!!! I see your orange shenangignangs!

Anyway, I was all pumped up for my new fresh dirt covered carrots. I proudly walked them home. I hoped I’d bump into someone on the street so I can show them off! I’d be like, ‘Look at these orange bitches, bitch!’ By the way, I never peel carrots either. I go straight in. I’ll wash em but I like the dirty taste of unpeeled carrots. And was looking forward to the extra earthy grit taste of these carrots..

As soon as I got home I put everything away in the fridge and then plucked three carrots from my new bunch and washed them off. Then I sat down on the couch to munch and watch TV… and I took one bite into a carrot and was totally bummed out. It wasn’t right. There was no snap to it. I bit through a level of softness before I even got to the crunch. And the crunch was disappointing. It was too soft. Plus, the flavor wasn’t there. I started to wonder if these were like soup carrots or something. They were gross. I tried another. Two bites in they were totally fired. They sucked.

I walked to the kitchen and threw the three carrots in the garbage. Then I opened the fridge door and stared at the rest of the batch. They looked so nice and colorful in the fridge. Made my fridge look all Alice Watersy healthy. I thought about how if anybody came over and opened my fridge they would be impressed by my super fresh carrots! But then I snapped out it and realized nobody is coming any time soon to judge me by my fridge.

I offered one to Roscoe and he wasn’t interested. I tried to think of different things I could do with these carrots. Carrot cake? Frozen carrot popsicles? Dice them with my Slap Chop for my tuna? All plans kept getting canceled for the same reason. The carrots sucked.

Finally, I made a decision. The beautiful carrots were all going in the friggin garbage. Point blank freshness.

I used to be the type of person that had to keep ‘edible’ stuff in the fridge based on principle. Even if I knew it was never getting eaten. Like throwing out ‘good’ food was some kind of sin. Things had to be kept until they were past inedible and then finally thrown away. Based on nuclear war paranoia or god frowning or something. But not for me anymore! If I know I’m never gonna eat something and know there’s nothing else to do with the food— I have no issue throwing it in the garbage instead of just leaving it in the fridge and letting it go bad. I’m over that…

Especially when the food in the fridge would be a bad tease– like these delicious looking carrots that tasted like they’d already gone bad.

ok bye!

PS. And yes, I thought of giving them to a homeless guy but would you go up to a homeless guy and offer em a bunch of dirty gross carrots?


Bugs says:

What’s happenin’, doc?

Anonymous says:

epic fail

Jeremy says:

What the fuckenfuck is with this robot BS pressure cooker auto reply crap?

Jeremy says:

Oh and for a real reply: Todd you should have tried peeling them. Maybe you could have dug past the outside soft nastiness and had something at least.

Anonymous says:

auto reply?

Bob says:

you’re quite fired up over the orange stripes huh

Ali says:

I agree that peeling them was worth a try. Anyway, it’s kinda gross to eat carrots without peeling. Do you eat cucumbers without pleeing them? I think not. Peel your darn carrots, Todd.

serlady says:

i totally eat cucumbers without peeling them. the example you were looking for was “oranges”. “do you eat oranges without peeling them? i think not” works much better.

Rae says:

Yes, you can (and should since that’s where most of the nutrition is) eat cucumbers without peeling them! Just wash them really well if they are store bought to get that gross slime off. Better yet, buy organic or best yet, grow your own!

And Todd, wouldn’t you at least wash the carrots before giving them to a homeless person?

Stoner McDope says:

Growing your own is good, man. And the veggie thing is good too.

Brick says:

The carrots tasted soft because….. You’re soft! if you would toughen up, maybe, just maybe, your carrots would be crisp. In the meantime, have some soft-serve instead!!

Anonymous says:

I leave the skins on all vegetables- you go Todd-they might have been ok cooked but that sort of defeats the purpose
btw can’t leave my name- it won’t let me enter it in the your name section- been this way since April 1


Luke says:

You should have put them in a bowl of cold water in your fridge for a few hours, that would have made them nice and crisp (and help make it easier to get the dirt off).

oddtodd7 says:

The mini bags are the worst…real junk food!

Refflection says:

1. Mini carrots are actually just deformed carrots, chopped into pieces and dipped in formaldehyde

2. The carrots from the market were simply dehydrated. If you left them in some filtered water overnight they would have been crunchy the next day. When you buy at a supermarket all the veggies get sprayed every few minutes, but at the farmer’s market sometimes they’ve been sitting for a day and traveling without getting water.

3. Don’t throw away good food, seriously. They could have easily gone in a soup.

4. Kuddos on not peeling carrots, that’s where all the nutrition is. Just scrub them well.

JJ in Venice says:

Yep, Todd you should have just soaked them in water overnight. They would have been crisp and awesome! Now go buy more carrots and try again!

Jane says:

You were so right to throw those out, although I’m intrigued by the “soak them in water” solution. I never would’ve thought of that (because, ahem, in California produce is fresh). The peeler people are off on a tangent.

You east coasters have delicious apples, though.

scroticus kahn says:

humans do not need vegetables to live, this libtard propaganda

Ali says:

In my opinion you cannot wash a cucumber or a carrot enough to ever eat it unpeeled.

Ali says:

Wow! I have no idea what this phrase could possibly mean
“robot BS pressure cooker auto reply crap”

Z says:

I’m sorry to hear you had such a bad experience buying carrots. I hope your shopping experiences improve. First bad carrots, then bad toothpaste, what’s next?

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