September 01 2011

The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Lady

So yesterday I got on a plane to head back to NYC. I was boarding late because I got caught up in a Blue Hawaiian at Malibu Al’s Airport Beach Bar and didn’t hear boarding announcement.

Anyway, the plane was totally packed and I was happy to have a window seat. I walked down the aisle scoping out who my seat neighbor might be. In the middle seat of my row was this woman who looked really pissed off about something. But like permanent style. Like her face’s default setting is ‘Grumpy-Pissed’. I stuff my bag into an overhead bin and then excuse myself and point to the window seat. She shoots me a look like, ‘Uch. Do you have to sit there?!’

She grumpily takes her time gathering her stuff (btw she had her totally spread out! Including stuff on my seat! Like she was trying to demotivate someone from sitting there? Lady, you’re on a plane! Not a train! It’s assigned seating! And it’s packed! Move your crap!) ….

I sit down and immediately put down the arm rest which brushes past her arm. She dramatically shrinks away and then starts rubbing her arm as if it hurt. It’s like, ‘That didn’t hurt! Stop with the dramarama…

Meanwhile, behind us is a mother with three kids. One toddler on her lap and two others. Although I wasn’t thrilled to have a whole family directly behind me– it’s whatevery. Just gotta deep breath and accept it. And it’s sort of amazing to see the Mom juggle everything. I was like, ‘Wow. That Super Mom has her hands friggin crazy full claustrophobia style.’..

I settle in and start reading my book (which I liked alot. this one here called The Long Run). Thankfully the kids behind us were well behaved for the most part. Acting up now and then but nothing serious. Seat kick here. Drumming on the tray table or whatever. One crier now and then. But every friggin time there was any sort of kid distraction the woman next to me would like huff and turn around to shoot them all a look– or squirm in her seat and grumble to herself. Always an annoyed reaction.

Btw all things considered these kids were being really good! It’s like, ‘Lady! Cut Mom a break! This Mom got kids crawling all over her the whole flight! You’re gonna shoot looks?! Turn around and shoot a look?! At the Mom? Or the kid?! So after a while every time she would shoot a look back at the family– I’d shoot a look at her. I’m sure the Mom was shooting a look back at her too. There was look shootin’ going on all over the place.

PLUS when I got up to go to the bathroom she made a whole thing of it. Making it clear she was inconvenienced. And when I came back to the row to sit back down– she had settled in again. Spread out-ish. I’m like, ‘Lady! You don’t settle in! There’s no settle in when I get up to go to the bathroom! You see a parachute on my back?! No?! Then you know for a fact I’m coming back!! Why you all spread out again!?!!!

Anyway, it does make me sad when I see people who for whatever reason are locked in on the grumpy setting and can’t shut it off. It’s a tough way to walk around. It seems like it takes alot of energy to look for things to be upset at all the time. But for frucks sake! On a sold out flight that’s 5 hours long?! Can’t you just take one deep breath and hide in a book?! Or choose a different attitude?

ok bye!


Bob in Peru says:

first !!!

Bob in Peru says:

Now that that’s over, I think you should have asked the attendant for some breath mints for your neighbor and a side order of Patience and Compassion. Then you should have engaged Super Mom & kids in some banter laced with Sarcasm. A hug good-bye upon arrival would have been the cherry on the sundae.

Amy says:

I think I sat next to the same woman once accept she had baloney

Payne says:

You and larry david should go on a plane together

Sassy909 says:

Hilarious reading and sad at the same time. Tough for you Odd Todd. Sorry you had such a miserable trip.

Sassy Starshine

Guest says:

That is why I always upgrade to 2-across seating. Those regular seats are like riding in a sardine can for several hours.

I think a little payback was in order for the old bitch. When she pulled out the tuna sandwich you should have held your nose and made gagging sounds the whole time she ate it. You should have called the flight attendant and asked if they had any air freshener.

the REAL weeze says:


A guy who can count says:

Weeze, it’s not cute/clever/funny/whatever even when you are “FIRSSTTTT”

And dude, come ON!

There are seven, count ’em, SEVEN comments ahead of you.

Guest says:

Are you that clueless? He only posts that crap for attention. What did you just do? You gave it to him. Don’t feed the trolls!

WhateverBoy says:

Fuck that bitch

Angry Man says:

Which bitch are you referring to? The woman or the weeze?

Bob in Peru says:

Some days are like that, even in Australia.

Raye says:

Some people are just special. I had a real pissy guy sitting next to me on my last flight. I just ignored him.

tainted says:

i dunno..i dont think you can assume that lady was perma-grumpy. she might have just been grumpy from something that happened before her flight. maybe something in her life is going on. maybe she went to do business somewhere and now for whatever possible reason is pissed. maybe she had a first class ticket and now they screwed her somehow. theres a million reasons someone might be pissed off, but its always possible they just were having a bad day.

either way, you could have slipped a few sleeping pills into her drink. might have mellowed her out.

if she was a real bitch you coulda also conspired with the 3-kids lady and claimed that the bitch had a bunch of wires and crazy shit hanging out of her socks with some sorta detonator. that’ll teach her!

Concerned Parent says:

I have been in a poor mood from time to times BUT I would NEVER glare at a mother struggling on a plane. This woman OBVIOUSLY was a terrible person! Make NO excuses for this kind of behavior!

Krankor says:

I would have just sat there and farted the whole flight. No need to hold them in for a bitchy seat mate. Let em rip!

Roscoe Fan says:

I feel like planes make me fart more. Perhaps something with the air pressure on my ass?

Arby says:

The worst part is dude is never even firstttt

Grumpy Asshole says:

This entire post is so dumb I just hate it I really don’t like this website either in fact the internet in general is lame as hell I hate it too *grumble* *gripe* *complain*

Lorelei says:

I know she didn’t fly anywhere recently, but it SURE AS SHIZZLE sounds like you shared a row with my sister.

Preacher says:

It makes me sad when some people feel the need to pay back for what they see as poor behavior. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

St. Theresa, when she would meet a person in her communtiy who was always grumpy, worked to be happy (not to act happy) when she saw this grump.

Will Rogers never meet a man he didn’t like. This reflects well on Rogers and does not mean all people are likeable.


Dippy Doo says:

Plane travel SUCKS!!! Had to spend overnight in Chicago cause my plane was 3 minutes late for my connection.

WTF?!?!?!? says:

Me, personally, I would have hit on the MILF and tried to get her to join the Mile-High Club with me in the restroom. The kids? Ask the grumpy lady to watch them.

But hey… that’s me.

WTF?!?!?!? says:

I would have also taken a dump so big, it would have clogged the toilet and forced an emergency landing due to weight overload.

but like I said… that’s me.

Nobuko Bynon says:

he website was how do i say it… relevant, finally something that helped me. Many thanks

Qui-Gon Baby Gone says:

“You see a parachute on my back?! No?! Then you know for a fact I’m coming back!!”

ROFL!! I’m totally using this the next time I run into that lady. I’m sure I’ve met her before… the last time, she was disguised as a loudmouthed bald dude, but the attitude was identical.

Jimb says:

Hope I get to sit next to you someday Todd, your coolio.

You Betcha! says:

I live in New York City. Ground zero for the angry, pissed-off, and generally paranoid ego-centric rugged individualist.

Whenever I run into, say a checkout clerk for example, who’s acting unfriendly, I calmly and sympathetically look at them and ask, “Are you having a bad day?”

Seriously, half the time, they will immediately realize they are acting badly, and adjust accordingly. And sometimes share what’s eating them. And by venting a bit feel better, and act better.

Of course, there’s always the other half. But nothing bad ever happens.

Blaaarrghh says:

That’s nothin. I once sat behind an ex president of the U.S., and someone BLEW HIS FREAKIN’ HEAD OFF!!! Brain juice all over my hawaiian shirt. The once-cheerful lady sitting next to me said that she would never be happy on a plane again. It’s probably who you were sitting next to, Todd. Please be more understanding.

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