April 11 2011

Vita 500 and Butterfinger (aka The New Secret)

So if I’ve been quiet lately it’s been because I’ve been finishing a movay script which I’ll talk about soon I promise.

The script is kind of a tricky kind of plot and I hit a bit of a writer’s block on it a few weeks ago. Went into a full blast panic about it and felt like I might have boxed myself into a corner. Kinda freaked out. Whatever.

Anyway, one day while procrastinating– I headed to the bodega to buy some junk food or something. I was looking for something to drink and I decided to go in on an energy drink.

I usually don’t like energy drinks much. Red Bull has no effect on me other than it makes me a little nauseous. I think Monster is gross. Most of the others I’ve tried taste like they’re secretly poison. But on this day there was one I hadn’t seen before.

It’s called Vita 500.

They brew this stuff up in Korea! Maybe North! No caffeine! No preservatives or whatever! Mysterious ingredients I never heard of! For whatever reason I decided to give it a try. On the checkout line I color coordinated the Vita 500 with a Butterfinger. It just seemed right. Like they matched or something…

I came home and stared at my computer drinking the Vita 500 and chomping on the Butterfinger — and I swear — it felt like a bright light third eye opened up in the middle of my head and started blinking. And like a coal miners helmet it lit the way through the writer’s block and delivered me safely on the other side.

After I typed up a whole bunch of stuff (like 25 pages)– I proceeded to clean my bathroom floor, scrub my kitchen floor, vacuum and I brushed Roscoe’s teeth. After I did that, showered, shaved, shaved my head, then cleaned the whole shower.

I know it sounds totally methed up– but it was!! And the next day. I went in on another Vita 500 and Butterfinger combo. Another hugely productive day. Again. Another. Then another. I was like, ‘Holy fruck! Screw ‘The Secret’! That old secret ain’t the sht now! The new secret is Vita 500 and Butterfinger!

But the other day, I went to the bodega and there was no more Vita! They had like 20 cans in the fridge just the day before– and now they were all gone! I was like, ‘Ahhh! Where’s the Vita 500!!!!?’ Bodega guy was like, ‘We have Red Bull?’ I was like, ‘No! No stupid Red Bull! VITA! VITA 500!’ He was like, ‘I’ll try to order more…’

I was like, ‘Try?!’

Then I got paranoid. They had like 20 cans the day before! Now they were all gone?! Either someone caught on to my Vita secret and bought them all up — OR Vita 500 has been quietly recalled for containing meth or something illegally meth like! How could they have sold all 20 cans in a day?!

The only site that seems to sell it online is this one! And there’s a minimum or of 300,000 cans! 300,000? Not even 100,000? Something is shady here! No other bodegas have the Vita! I’ve checked! And sadly today I tried a replacement combo — Red Bull and Crunch bar (color coordinated too) and it gave me nothing but a headache!

I might have to fly to Korea to pick up some of this stuff! I might be motivated to do just that — if I had some Vita 500 dammit!

ok bye!


Fuck Deng In The Ass With A Rusty Spoon says:

Fuck him 2 times !

me says:

info found.

Anonymous says:

gonna have to go with the 300000 order Todd

CaptainBob says:

I wanna try this stuff.
I agree with the poster above, gonna have to go with the 300,000 order. Think about it. Its an incredible investment. Thats 300,000 days worth of productivity. Thats over 800 years worth! You’re set.

WTF!?!?!?!?!? says:

HOLY CRAP!!! Alibaba?!?!? Mr. Dennis KIm?!?!? KWANG DONG PHARM. CO.?!?!?!?

You’re either in WAY over your head with some North Korean Mafia mofos… or this is the best belated April Fool’s gag EVER.

yellowdog says:

Looks like Vita 500 is 2,000mg of vitamin C suspended in 35g of flavored sugar water. I would imagine you could roughly recreate the effect by drinking a glass of orange juice, popping a couple of vitamin C pills, and having your Butterfinger.

Anonymous says:

Todd, try to find Vita 500 in Korea town on 32nd street.

naisy says:

if you go to korea, i wanna go with you! 😀

Something Clever says:

I think it’s time for an oddtodd.com road trip to Korea! Todd’s paying everybody!

tainted says:

If you look at the official ingredients its more then just vitamin c. Its a classic b complex + ascorbic acid + sugar.

Todd, this is not some secret recipe. If you are looking to get this effect again, look for something with a lot of B vitamins, vitamin C, and sugar. Many drinks contain this and more such as “Boost”, and “Ensure”. You could also take a B complex vitamin + a tall glass of orange juice (vitamin c + sugar).

me says:

Todd is this a paid endorsement? …an “astroturf” marketing campaign?

My Butt Here says:

Your body will just adjust to it and the Slacker will prevail. done and done.

Odd Todd says:

I was excited today because I went to the bodega and Vita 500 was back except it was just in a bottle. But something ain’t right about it in the bottle. ain’t carbonated and sparkly like before. the search continues for Vita in a can.

JV says:

I drink a Red Bull and Emergen-C every morning–B complexes, vitamin C, and sugar water. I don’t really notice me being super productive. I’m productive, but OT’s description above does sound like he was all Ritalined out or something–not vitamins. Who knows though! Sounds awesome regardless.

been around since 01 says:

careful – prolonged vitamin C overdose leads to the squirts.

klobster says:

Odd Todd… Margaret?

Tubby says:

You are one funny mofo!

Movay Guy says:

Hey Todd! Is the studio producing your movie, still looking for extras?

Crumbles says:

I tried this once- took two sips annnndWHAM

Medusa says:

Ya wait till you know the REAL ingredients, bet it’s some super secret kill all americans combo of fly dung,feces,and ancient^^^^secret mixed with some fruity flavors.
Mix it with a butterfinger…leathal for sure.
Hmmm, hey weeze buy a case, it’s good for ya, like when your mom tells you to eat your vegie’s.

Anonymous says:

Seriously – the way you describe that sounds JUST like a proper meth high – especially the part about brushing Roscoe’s teeth. Funny, b/c north Korea DOES produce some of the purest speed in the world. Energy drinks would be a damn good way to sell it, too.

optional says:

Just take a Vivarin or a generic equivalent. You’ll be good to go.

Don Roberto says:

The secret, I believe, ,may not be in the beverage but in the bar, that is, the crunch bar. Next time you find Vita in a can, take it first without the crunch bar (the control), then with the crunch bar (the actual experiment) and then, in each instance, count the number of times you vacuum, re-vacuum, write, re-write, tooth and retoothbrush and pencil sharpen.
If the non Crunch Bar episodes produce dramatically fewer cleanings, then start looking for secret ingredients in the candy. My hunch is the candy is saturated with tiny methamphetamines crossed with even tinier vacuum cleaners, triggered by small swigs of sugar water.
If I am right, you can rest much easier.

Robert Dono says:

If you were right, you would have noticed the giant picture of a Butterfinger and realized there was no need to reference Crunch bars 4 times.

Earp says:


add the h and get VITAGIRLS!!!

mikeross says:

Thanks for some quality points there. I am kind of new to online , so I printed this off to put in my file, any better way to go about keeping track of it then printing?

Anonymous says:

Vita 500: Crack for idiots.

Ken Fisher says:

You must drink it by the gallon.

Guest says:

Go into connections and in the upper right hand corner, there is a remove connection button. I’ve done it several times. 🙂

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