November 06 2012

What to Do After Mr. Coughie (+Brazil Nuts)

So there’s this local place I go to called Sahadi’s which has nuts and coffee and like olives and like malt balls and stuff like that. Lots of stuff in big jars. Candied Papaya and stuff.

I like to get almonds there along with Peppadew peppers which I chop up and put in tuna fish. It’s good. Also get pickled garlic which I like alot and it doesn’t make your breath smell. Brazil Nuts because some guy told me prevents all cancer. Period. All I need to do is eat one a day. Which I do. Because a random guy told me so.

Anyway, this worker guy is helping me out getting me all my stuff. I got like six things. My almonds, peppadew, garlic, brazil nuts, coffee… etc.. He used a big spoon and like plastic bags or containers or whatever. After he hands me the last thing… dude starts coughing. Phlegmy disgusting coughing as he walks away.

I stare down into my basket of goodies now totally disgustified. It was teeming with his grossness. I wanted to say, ‘Hey Coughie! You can have all this stuff back along with your contamination…’ But then I thought it was being too much of a germphobic. He used a spoon and all. He only touched the outside of stuff. But I’ll touch the outside of stuff too! Stuff I will touch before I eat. It’s not like he made me a sandwich but why buy stuff covered in gross germ stuff?!

But I also can’t exactly put everything back on the shelves because everything was done up specifically for me. I guess I could have just dropped it and walked out. But I wanted that stuff! There’s been times in the past when I’ve thrown away whole sandwiches because something gross happened but I was too embarrassed to say anything — but I wasn’t gonna throw all this stuff out.

And again, this time I was too embarrassed to out myself as a total germaphobe. I bought everything. It’s hard to say, ‘That guy coughed up and now I don’t want anything…’

But the truth is, there’s a truth to not getting in touch with people when they’re sick! There’s a far less chance you get sick! Since I’ve been using Purell everyday… I get less colds. Since I became more germphobic barely ever touching a bathroom door knob. I get less colds!

Bottom line is embarrassment or no embarrassement, if you’re a food server and you’re all coughie. Please stay home. It’s gross.

I’m gonna eat a Brazil Nut now because some random guy told me to! I just googled it! Now I’m stuck with them!

The end.

ok bye!


Krankor says:

Wash your hands, eat right, take your vitamins, and forget about it! Exposure will help build up your immunity (or kill you).

I think you and I are the only ones in the world that like Brazil nuts. Most people hate them.

Remember: That which doesn’t kill us, weakens us, so that it can come back later and kill us in our sleep.


Beetlejuice says:

Stop worrying about the damn germs. We have this thing called an immune system that, when working right, takes care of these things. Purelling yourself every 5 minutes does more harm than good. You create a self-fulfilling prophecy, thinking you will get sick and then doing something that will make you get sick.

The best thing you could do is spend a few years on a couch getting therapy. Your OCD issues are getting worse all the time.

klobster says:

just spray some lysol on the bags, your food is safe inside, done and done.

Pait says:

At last some rationality in our little dbetae.

Bruce says:

Boil the h*ell out of them! It works for peanuts in Georgia when the beer’s good and cold!

CaptainBob says:

I think you’re overreacting. I know I’m just a random guy on the internet, but back when we were having the swine flu (H1N1) scare in Canada there were hand sanitizers EVERYWHERE. I stopped touching door knobs, railings, subway rails etc… and guess what… I got way sick. My doctor said that over sanitizing and avoiding public touch points will reduce your exposure to germs in the local population, and will in turn stop you from building up a natural immunity to them. Since them I’ve been gungho about subjecting myself to public germiness. Totally fearless! Haven’t been sick (ie. more than a stuffed up nose) for 4 years *knocks on wood*

hebba says:

wow, you’ve come a long way since mac-n-cheese, tuna, and peas!

Krimpy Trum says:

The small amount of germs that Coughie may or may not have passed onto you in nothing compared to the amount of crap that food has been through before it even got to the store. Best thing for your immune systems is to expose it to everyday germs so it can be better prepared when you are older. Don’t want to be 75 and get dropped by a germ you should have built an immunity to when you were younger.

Beetlejuice says:

Good advice Krimpy. Someone should have said it earlier. Oh, wait…we did. Derp.

Eyousauris says:

Your right Beetlejuice. You are a Derp just like Krimpy. Way to ripoff Krankor and try to include yourself into some “We” group. Like your name is totally original too. Doaf

Beetlejuice says:

Oh, how sad. Somebody is suffering from a bad case of the butthurt. They were too lazy to read what was already posted two days earlier and now they are crying like a little girl with a skinned knee because someone pointed out the large empty cavity between their ears. Well little Missy, you should dry those tears and go try to learn the difference between “your” and “you’re” if it is at all possible.

Krimpy Trump says:

Thanks Eyousauris, Beetlejuice just got called out for being exactly what he is accusing others for. What a Douchebag.

Beetlejuice says:

You do realize in your failed attempt to post as two different people that you (a) called yourself a derp, (b) never actually called anyone one, and (c) made yourself look like a giant butthurt whining douchebag. No doubt you are off high-fiving yourself in the mirror right now so when you get back you should probably just stick with one screen name to do your failing with. I suggest Derpasaurus. It has a nice ring and it suits you.

Krumtokor says:

Beetlejuice is so confused right now. Painted himself right into that corner.

PostItThoughts says:

You guys are 99% right with the theory that exposure builds immunity. The exception, given the phlegmy cough and the fact that this sounds like a foreign/imported food shop and thus maybe a foreign/imported worker guy. is tuberculosis. TB rates are higher in other countries, and it’s a bug you just don’t want to be exposed to. It was a bitch to cure in this country, and about the time we got it under control, it started evolving antibiotic resistance. The “good” news is, the exposure risk here is inhalation. Eating the food (especially if it was, as it sounds, all packaged up at the time)is not a problem. Hell, even inhaling the aerosols created by the cough is probably not too big a deal, it’s repeated or constant exposure (like family or caregivers) that’s a real risk.

OK, so I said a bunch of crap that basically adds up to what they said except for one exception which is probably not even a risk. Oh well.

Anonymous says:

Just ate those peppadew and garlic bits…without any warning from my beyonce. Real nice.

Tazlim says:

Wow. Let me know if I can help you. I would love to take the two kids for the morning so you can take a much nedeed nap! Congrats…times two 🙂

Beetlejuice says:

PostItThoughts you do realize I am the only right one here. I was the first to mention any of that. Why do you all insist on repeating and taking my original idea and just adding a few words to make it your own. Does everone have to be like me? No doubt since I can cleary write the only original thoughts. Now I bet you’ll suck your thumb and cry like a baby for your momma. And make sure to put a space after the use of ( and ) if it is at all possible.

LickTheSidewalk says:

Todd, happy wedding!

Also, my wife, sister, and I were ordering ice cream the other day. Two hemp-laden guys are working the counter. Sis gets hers from guy1. Guy2 is fliping the scoopie thing in the air and generally farting around waiting for me to make up my mind. Wife sees him wiping his running nose and catching the business end of the scoopie thing. She informs me of the multiple-repeat on the snotty scoopie catch about half way through my yummy sundae prep. So the guy is almost finished and I’m like, uh…nevermind. Meanwhile, Sis trying to be nice had already paid for my sundae. Crap, now we gotta get a refund. Guy1 is now at the register and wants to know why we changed our mind since the sundae is 95% complete. Totally awkward moment. Bottom line was money not-so-cheerfully refunded, and no containment of post-nasal drippage. Is that butterscotch?!?!

Emily says:

Later made as a cartoon. Wonder when they will rekmae THAT in 3D…The small heads are very well done, in the time before CGI. This is the song Jump in the Line and it has the ending of the movie in it as well where Keaton’s (Beetlejuice) head gets shrunken. You can out more?

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